What is Empathy & why Jesus wept.

What is empathy Dad? My daughter asked. "It's almost like Sympathy. You know, you look at someone who's hungry or someone who's wounded or shivering in a cold winter night or someone who's poor... and you feel pity. You feel bad!". I answered. But even as I was saying it, I knew that doesn't define empathy. Empathy is something else. Just then a verse from Bible sparked in my mind. A very special verse. That verse is--
"Jesus wept".
This verse is special because it's considered the shortest verse in the Bible. But it's special not just because it's shortest. It's special because it proves Jesus was 100% human. But when u get to know the story, you will also realize why He was 100% God.

So the story goes like this. Jesus was friends with a man called Lazarus and his sisters Mary and Martha. One day when Lazarus was seriously ill and was on a deathbed, Mary and Martha sent a word to their friend Jesus. Now Jesus, was pretty famous those days doing lot of miracles like opening the eyes of the blind, making lame walk, healing lepers and casting away demons etc. So, they wanted Jesus to come and heal their brother but Jesus, despite knowing the seriousness of the situation, stayed where He was doing what He was doing.
Finally Jesus said to his 12 disciples "let's go see Lazarus" and they asked "why?" He said "Lazarus is dead. that's why!". The disciples were surprised that Jesus let his friend die instead of going there and healing. So when Jesus went to the town where Lazarus dwelt, his sisters came running to him. They were weeping, crying and looked devastated with the death of their brother. They held Jesus and said "If only u heard our cry and came immediately...he would have been alive. Now it's 4 days since he is dead". looking at the pain of His friends and their agony, JESUS WEPT.

Jesus wept. That's a proof that He could feel pain and feel helpless. That's a proof that He was 100% human. But Jesus already knew that Lazarus would die. He knew exactly when Lazarus died. Now that's a proof that Jesus was 100% God. From there Jesus goes to the tomb of Lazarus and calls him out to life. He raised Lazarus- who's dead for 4 days and stinking, back to life. That's 100% God. But then the point is not that here right? The point here is - What is empathy?

Jesus wept. He wept looking at the tears of Mary and Martha. he wept despite knowing that their mourning would turn into a laughter in just few moments. Why? Was He faking an emotion? shedding tears just like that because it's a ritual to mourn along with those who mourn? NO! Jesus, wept, Despite being a God who is in control of the past and future, because He felt their pain. He took their anguish into Him. He became Them. And when He did that, He couldn't hold Himself back. He couldn't control the agony. So He wept. That's what it means to empathize.

Empathy is feeling the hunger of a man who's starving- even though your stomach is full. Empathy is looking at a man who's poor and feeling the pain of not having- even though your pocket is full. Empathy is looking at a JNU student who's skull broken and bleeding, or a Pehlu khan whom the mob is lynching, a Nirbhaya or a Disha who is brutally raped and murdered-empathy is- feeling the pain and the suffering they went though and crying, even though you are sitting comfortably in ur sofa in your cozy home in that moment. Empathy is that.

Empathy is what made God human. Empathy is what makes a christian CHRIST-ian. When you don't have empathy, forget that you are a Christian. You just got a religion.

క్రైస్తవులతో చలం అనుభవాలు-1

చలం ఆత్మ కథ నుండి. 10 వ అధ్యాయం. పేజి నెం. 60.

మద్రాసు వీధుల వెంట ఇద్దరమూ తిరుగుతున్నాం. ఆ జూన్ నెల లో సూర్యుడు మండిపోతున్నాడు. ఇప్పుడు నాకు ఉద్యోగమైంది కనుక నా జేబులో కొన్ని డబ్బులున్నాయి. కానీ జెట్కాలెక్కి తిరిగేటన్ని లేవు. అప్పుడు మద్రాసులొ తప్ప, తెలుగుదేశంలో ఎక్కడా ఆడవాళ్ళ hostels లేవు. ఏ school అన్నా వొయ్యిని చేర్చుకుని చౌకగా ఉంచుకునే hostel కనబడుతుందేమో అని వెదుకుతూ తిరుగుతున్నాం. ధరలూ, మర్యాదలూ, విద్యల కొలతలూ ఏమీ తెలియని వాళ్ళం. మా దుమ్ము కొట్టిన మొహాలు, పాత బట్టలు చూస్తేనే మా మీద ఎవరికీ నమ్మకం రావడం లేదు. మా దేభ్య మొహాలు చూసి ఒక క్రిస్టియన్ ఆయన,"Can I be of any help? అన్నాడు.అదేమి అద్రుష్టమో గానీ, కారణం లేకుండా సహాయం చేస్తామని ఎవరు వచినా వాళ్ళు క్రిస్టియన్లే.
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మా సమస్య నివేదించుకున్నం మా కొత్త మిత్రుడితో. రెండు మూడు ప్రశ్నలు వేసాడు. మా బతుకుల దరిద్రం గ్రహించాడు. కులం లేని వాళ్ళం. దైవం ఎంత దగ్గరిగా ఉన్నడో మాకు తెలియదు ఆ నిమిషాన.
రాయపురం girls high school లో try చేసారా? అన్నాడు.
"That is very good place for you."
సంతోషం గా మేము వెళ్తూఉంటే
"God bless you"అన్నడు.
ఆ school కి వెళ్ళి, ప్రిన్సిపాల్ ని చూస్తానన్నాను. మేడ మీద ఒక పెద్ద గది లోకి తీసుకెళ్ళారు ప్రశ్న లేకుండా. అక్కడ ఒక ముసలి ఇంగ్లీషు ఆమె ఆఫీసు బల్ల మీద కూచుని రాసుకుంటుంది. కళ్ళెత్తి మావంక ప్రశ్నార్ధకంగా చూసింది.
"ఏమెని చేర్చుకుంటారా?" అని అడిగాను." of course" అంది. రిజిస్టర్లు, కాగితాలు పక్కన పెట్టాను. ఈ లోపల కాగితాలు తిరగేస్తూ వొయ్యిని పిలిచి పక్కన కూచో బెట్టుకుంది. మళ్ళీ రాసుకుంటొంది. ఒక రెండు నిమిషాల తర్వాత, తల ఎత్తి నాతో."all right you can go" అంది. నాకేమీ అర్ధం కాలేదు. మర్నాడు మళ్ళీ వెళ్ళాను. వొయ్యి బట్టల పెట్టె తీసుకుని. ఆమె నన్ను చూడగానే కూచోమంది. వొయ్యి గంతులేస్తూ వచ్చింది."ఇక్కడ చాలా బావుంది. భోజనమే ఇబ్బంది. కానీ నేను ఇబ్బంది పడ దల్చుకోలేదు. నాకు నువ్వు నెల కి 17 రూ. పంపితే చాలు. "నేనింకా దిగ్భ్రమ నుండి బయటికి రాలేదు. "వీళ్ళు ఒక వేళ christian మతం లో చేరమంటె చేరనా? ఇక్కడ అందరూ క్రిస్తియన్లే" అంది."నే వెనుక నేనూ అవుతాను. హిందూ పీడ వదిలిపొతుంది "హిందూschool ళ్ళలో, govt. school ళ్ళ్లో వాళ్ళ చూపులూ, వాళ్ళ గర్వాలూ, వాళ్ళ ప్రశ్నలూ జ్ఞాపకం వచ్చాయి.

ఆ రాత్రి నేను సంతోషంగా రైలెక్కి నా యుధ్ధభూమికి; అంటే నేను పని చేస్తున్న స్కూల్ కి 60 మైళ్ళ వేగంతో తిరిగి వెళ్తున్నాను. అంతం లేని చీకట్లో, ఈ తెల్లని చార గంభీరంగా, ద్రుఢంగా, నిర్భయంగా, ఏ సందేహాలూ లేకుండా ముందుకు పరిగెత్తుకు పోతూంది. నా జీవితం అట్లా సాగిసాగిపోకూడదా? నా పక్కనే ఒక 20 మంది కూచుని ఉన్నారు. వాళ్ళ మొహాలకేసి చూస్తూ అనుకున్నాను. "మీరంతా నిర్విచారంగా, నిర్భయంగా కూచుని ఉన్నారు. ఎంత త్రుప్తి, సంతోషమో మీ మొహాల్లో. ఈ చీకట్లో ఇంత వేగంగా పరిగెత్తే ఈ యంత్రం మీద మీకంత విశ్వాసం, మిమ్మల్ని సురక్షితంగా ఇల్లు చేరుస్తుందని. అట్లానే మీ జీవితాల మీద గూడా అట్లాంటి విశ్వాసం ఉండివుంటుంది. తెలిసో, తెలీకో ఈశ్వరుదు, మిమ్మల్ని ప్రేమించే ఈశ్వరుడు సురక్షితంగా తీసుకుపోతున్నాడని.నిజంగా చెప్పండి, ఉన్నాడా? మీకు తెలుసునా? నా సందేహాలు మీకు లేవా? ఈ నిర్భాగ్యుడికి మీరు ఏ విధమైన త్రుప్తినివ్వలేరా? ఆ మధ్యాహ్నం మాకు సాయపడ్డ క్రిస్టియన్ ఆయన జ్ఞాపకం వచ్చాడు. మేము ఎటువంటి వాళ్ళమో తెలిసి కూడ "God bless you" అన్నాడు. నిజంగా ఒక God blessచేస్తాడా?
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అక్కడ students, teachers అందరూ క్రిస్టియన్లు, తను తప్ప. కానీ తనను వేరుగా చూడలేదు. క్రిస్టియన్ మతం లో చేరమని తనని అడగలేదు. అందరూ ఎంత మంచివాళ్ళో.

You are an uncut Diamond and an unpolished Pearl

As I was riding my bike back home I lost in thoughts like I usually do. I thought about my clothing label and some of those people who walk in the store and really bargain. I thought of few customers who compare khadi with some mill-made cotton and say why is it so expensive? Now, who would tell them that you can never compare something made by hand with something made by machine? sigh! you are in the wrong place dude! I told myself. "If only you are in the right area where customers would know the value of ur product and respect you for your creativity"..I said to myself. in short I told myself "if only you get ur true value"! Suddenly I remembered this parable of Jesus that goes like this-

“Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant seeking beautiful pearls, who, when he had found one pearl of great price, went and sold all that he had and bought it. Mathew 13: 45.Jesus is talking about you and me here. we are the precious pearl and He is the merchant. You & I are like precious stones or pearls of great value whose worth is not recognized by the world. So we were carelessly kept, thrown around, trampled and abused till one day the One who knows our true value saw us. & When He saw us He got so excited that He ran back home sold off everything He got and paid a heavy price for us to the utter shock of all those who has been treating us carelessly. The world always tries to underrate us.The world tries to limit us. It shows our weaknesses and flaws and say we are not worthy. But what does God say about us?

Imagine yourself being auctioned. You are standing there and around you are many people who are trying to put a price tag on you. Some one would say I would really love to pay a little more for Joshua for I know he is able, but look his other side- he is lazy! Some one else would walk upto me and say I don't mind shelling few more pennies had you been little more organized. One more would walk upto me and say "had you not have that habit of lying, I would have valued you little more. You are standing there with your head down humiliated,thinking "hope some one recognize me with all my worth..". Then came a very rich looking man in expensive robes . He looked at you, studied you carefully and said "Wow"! How much? The one who is auctioning you asked Him..how much are you willing to pay? "The other person replied "I know he is a man of great value. He is made in the image of God.in him lies a great potential. In exchange of him I'll pay everything I got. My position, My glory, My honour. yes I would give away everything to redeem him. But wait.Wait. Wait! even that won't be enough. look at him,beautiful! for him, I'll pay the greatest price anyone ever can pay or paid. I give my life away as a price for him.Yes. That's what I'm going pay for him. with My life" wouldn't that be awesome? Isn't that exciting?

Jesus actually did that for us. the bible says "You were bought at a price; do not become slaves of men.(1 Corinth 7:23). You are bought at a price. A heavy price, it's His life.It's His glory. When Jesus was talking about the parable of sower, He said "... And some fell on good ground, and sprang up, and bare fruit an hundredfold.Like 8:8".In every seed that was sown, was a potential to yield hundred folds.But then they didn't. They were stolen, they were suppressed, they were scorched and killed. God made us with a great potential. And He loves to see us rise to our full potential. But who stops us? The Enemy. He loves to see us fallen, weak, guilty and compromised.While It's God who encourages us, equips us and strengthens us..It's the enemy who discourages us, tempts us and leaves us resigned to fate.

It's a very common scene in my city to find people who are heavily drunk lying on the footpaths. There is activity around him, people are moving around with a purpose but he is lying down there unconscious beside a drainage or a waste dump as if that's where he belong. What do you feel when you see some one like that? definitely not respect. I'm sure even he doesn't respect himself. Who enjoys seeing him like that? the Enemy does. Jesus says at John 10:10 that "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy". But who feels miserable looking at him like that? Your maker, your father i.e. God. He says "But I have come that they may have life and life abundantly". God smiles every time you try to rise up from that rut. He does everything He can to help you rise up on your feet again to get back to life with dignity and purpose. With God on our side, it's never too late.With God on your side, there is always hope.

It's time we look at ourselves the way Jesus saw us from the cross. Worthy! Worthy to give away His very life in exchange. It's time we remember who we are in Him. It's time we look unto Him and run the race. With endurance. With an expectation. To receive the crown one day. to receive that pat from Him and those words that would echo in eternity "Well done my Boy!

Hey God.. good Job buddy!

God wants you to appreciate beauty..He just doesn't want you get lusty. Says pastor Chaitanya. When was the last time you complimented some one? especially a girl and she didn't look at you with a doubt in her eyes trying read your intentions? I remember how many time I was in trouble for complimenting some one(girls)'s eyes or hair or clothes and they would look at me like "so you are observing me aah. what else?"
Why it's not the case with Americans or Europeans? "it's sunny day"! they say& before you realize you are already in conversation with them. But why we Indians so closed when it comes to converations& appreciation?

In NIFT, the college I went to, we had a subject called "art appreciation" for a semister in which all we got to do is visit as many art exhibitions as possible &... just appreciate art. start feeling it, pondering on it, comment on it. Be sensitive to it. As you keep doing it, you develop taste for it& start seeing beauty in everything which is around you. you find beauty in unexpected places!
As christians..is this what we need to do start feeling the beauty of God? why we are not expressive? why don't we voice out? why are we conscious of the people around us more than God who is in the midst of us? I think if we start appreciating the beauty around us..we will learn to appreciate the creator of beauty too. Let's be creative in worshipping God. let's develop imagination, appriciation& expression to enjoy the worship at it's best.

the Almighty God who wants to breast feed you.

what do yo think about our God? Male or female? I got this doubt coz just now I read a telugu blog that was talking about women's importance in Hinduism. it says that hinduism is the only religion in which "woman" is given a great importance by being worshipped as "jaganmaata""(mother of the universe) where as in other religions like christianity woman is not given right due.is it true? is christianity some kind of male dominant religion(I'm not talking about RCM church here where mother mary is worshipped) where woman is supposed to cover her hair& shut her mouth & do nothing other than shedding tears in prayers? I heard some pastors bragging "our god is not an impotent God, he is omnipotent!". Jesus was a man. so the moment we think about God, either Yahweh or Jesus, we see a male. is there more to a woman in Bi...ble?you know one of the names of our God in hebrew is "El- shaddai". most english version render "El- shaddai" as God almighty. but "shadaim" in hebrew means breasts. then El- shaddai would mean "God with breasts". (shocked?) God of sufficiency and nourishment. Is there any food in this world which can be compared with mother's milk when it comes to nourishment? God is promising us the complete sufficiency.

a new born baby immediately recognises her mother. I could never be to viri what her mother was. only she can put her to sleep. she would sleep only on her shoulder. only her mother could comfort her from crying. what's the difference? the breast feeding. Viri understood that there is no greater love than her Mother's. God, loves us somuch. that He would comfort you, feed you like a mother. He want's to breast feed you. (wow! I just love this Idea). He is not only a All powrfull, almighty God. He's also a loving mother to you. just hug him tight today.(my opinions are open for debate or correction)

U r called to be a lion chaser!

‎"chasing the lion on a snowy day& finishing it in a pit". sound very heroic isn't it?

( 2 samuel 23:20. king David's mighty Bodygaurds)

or "going against a mightily armed gaint with only a sling in ur hand in a vally"?
( I samuel 17:45)

whe Benaiah was chasing the lion what were the people saying? Or when little David was walking towards the Big Goliath in that vally...

was he cheered or jeered?

they must have shouted "fool, don't do that to urself!"

I believe every fool might not be a Benaiah or David but Benaiah & David definitely were fools who tried to do the Impossible(?)!

The safest palce in a war is the spectator's seat. So u want to play safe, sit tight in us spectator's seat with your seatbelt on, like those Israelites who were watching little David walking towards the gaint Goliath. '

But don't shout "come here& sit beside me", they won't pay attention.coz just like you are not born to be in the battle feild, they are not born to be in the spectator's seat.

The Biblesays:

"having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power" 2 timothy 3:5

..భక్తి గలవారివలె ఉండి దాని శక్తిని ఆశ్రయించని వారు... 2 thimothy 3:5

So next time you see a fool chasing a lion, it's ok if u can't cheer him, but atleast don't jeer.

if people like Steve Jobs, uncircumsized (spiritually), can make such a valiant Lion chasers, how much more we, sons of the LIVING GOD?

what does Bible say about these rich fools...

6 Now godliness with contentment is great gain. 7 For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain[a] we can carry nothing out. 8 And having food and clothing, with these we shall be content. 9 But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and harmful lusts which drown men in destruction and perdition. 10 For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil, for which some have strayed from the faith in their greediness, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows. 1 timothy 6:6


సంతుష్థి సహితమైన దైవభక్తి గొప్ప లాభ సాధనమై యున్నది. మనమెలోకములోకి ఏమియూ తేలేదు, దీనిలోనుండి ఏమియూ తీసుకుని పోలేము. కాగా అన్నవస్త్రములు గలవారమై యుండి వాటితో త్రుప్తి పొందియుందము. ధనవంతులగుటకు ఆపేక్షించువారు శోధనలోను, ఉరిలోను, అవివేకయుక్తములును హానికరములైన అనేక దురాశల్లోను పడుదురు. అట్తివి మనుష్యులను నష్తములోను నాశనములోను ముంచివేయును.ఎందుకనగా ధనాపేక్ష సమస్తమైన కీడులకు మూలము.కొందరు దానిని ఆశించి విశ్వాసము నుండి తొలిగిపోయి నానా బాధలతో తమను తామే పొడుచుకొనిరి. 1తిమోతి 6:6

How Jo learnt to count his blessings

The other day Jo& I were driving back from our badminton court. on our way a man with a disfigured face crossed us. He looked odd in the midst of normal looking people. I felt bad looking at him, & remembered an old Hindi song that goes like this.

दुनिया में कितना ग़म है ...मेरा ग़म कितना कम है !

I asked Jo..Jo, do you know the meaning of this song ?

he said "no. what does that mean?"

" It means...there's so much of pain in this world... that when I compare my grief with it ...mine is nothing!"

Jo said " very true. I've realised it some time back". & he shared his this experience from his life.

"last year I was going through tough times in my life. I lost my job. & was idle for many months. I attended interviews but couldn't get through. I was disappointed but still had the faith. After few months even call letters for interviews stopped. My bank balance was becoming Nil & I started panicking. I was running out of hope. Everyday I used to pray. & believe His help is on way. but in vain. It was a test of my faith. as being a christian, I can't doubt God's existence. Then the problem is with my faith. it was really tough to come to a realisation that my faith is not good enough to get His attention. I was frustrated& tired of this process.

On one of those days, on a Saturday, I finished my quite time & was getting ready to go to worship practice. I got dressed up & to pick up my bag I bent down& suddenly I sneezed. & that's it! I couldn't move. My back got a terrible sprain..lying down in the corner of my room I was calling for help. My room mate came running but couldn't find me for sometime. finally when he found me lying down, he tried to lift me up but couldn't carry me. some how he managed to put me on my bed. &The next one week - I was lying down on that bed being not able to stand up on my feet.

I just couldn't believe what happened. all did was sneezing& I ended up in the bed arrested. it was painful yet funny. But as I was lying in that bed all alone in that room I've realised one thing. all these days I've been complaining to God that He didn't give me what I wanted. But never realised the value of the gifts He gave me. He gave me Health. there are many people out there who got riches but not health. I've realised I need to be thankful for what He gave me rather than having bitterness against Him for what He didn't .

When my church friends came to know that I'm bed ridden coz of sneezing, my room was full of visitors. Everyday somebody would come to see me. They would try to cheer me, pray for me. On Sunday the entire church was at my place. They prayed, gave me a massage& found a physiotherapist who helped me to get back out of the bed on my feet. wow! looking at them I've realised one more gift God gave me- Friends! I'm not alone!!. this revelation changed the way I looked at my situation. it gave me a new hope& God in His time gave me a job which is better than my previous job in many ways. "

Joseph finished talking. But it left me thinking. if we only have the right perspective of God, we won't get desperate& frustrated! All we need to know is to- "count our blessings...name them one by one! & we will be surprised at what the Lord has done!"

Amen!

do you love me?

do you still love me?

I asked her in the phone. "I can't tell you whether I still love you or not" she answered. it was 12th July 1998. After coming out of the telephone booth I caught a bus to Hyderabad. As the bus was zooming towards Hyderabad, I remembered the letters she wrote saying how much she loved me& the hours I wasted sitting beside my window looking for her. The pain I gave my parents by ignoring my studies& the insults I bore loosing my self respect.

Do you love me?
this question kept coming back in my life. the answers were different. "

some said "I don't know whether it's love or not!"

some said" yes I used to.but..."

some were really embarrassed when I used to be possessive with them in a group of friends. it's like.."c'mon, why do u want it to be public?"

years passed. my quest for love never ended. this thirst for some one who loves me despite my failure. despite my weaknesses. despite my drawbacks. for a love that wouldn't change. That wouldn't lessen with time. A love that is wouldn't fear. A love that wouldn't be ashamed of a public demonstration!

Couldn't find a single one. oh..what a hypocritical world! What a calculative minds!! what a manipulative talks!!!

tired of them. Tired of the way the world loves!

That's when I realised the greatness of my Redeemer's love.
He loved me when I was still a failure. He loved me when I was deserted by everyone. He loved me when my mind was still filled with filthiest thoughts. He loved me when I was still dirty.

But He loved me when I needed love the most.

He loved me& that's not where it ends. He paid a price for my redemption. He lifted me from the dirt& cleansed me with His blood. He took my shame, my guilt, my filth & threw it away never to be remembered.

does it end there?

my Redeemer, my True love - displayed His love for me in the public. He was not ashamed to be spat on, to be stripped, slapped, whipped& to be nailed!

All for me. All to tell me- that He loves me! That He loves me more than heavens, more than Glory, More than He loved Himself!!
He was not ashamed to hang on the cross publicly, openly so the whole universe knows!
that

HE LOVES ME!

Finally... I found Love. This valentines day- I'm not empty hearted. my heart is overflowing with Love. with grattitude. i'm in a awe of my True love's beauty! I'm happy!!

letter from God's training camp

I stayed away from blogging for a long time. It's not that I have nothing to write but actually I was going through lot of fight. fight with myself . with my faith. some times I fell & really didn't have any guts to talk about God who is holy. some times I went through the lane of lack.that made me loose all my confidence to talk about the God who provides.

For me God is real. He sees. He hears. He knows.
He is more real to me than what I see.

But if I don't experience the same in my professional& personal lives...what good is my faith?
Jesus once said " Ask& it shall be given unto you. seek& you'll find. Knock! & it shall be opened for you. ! everyone who ask shall receive!" what a promise! & who said that? none other than my God. to whom? to everyone who believes. i.e to me.

Looking at Him I fight this battle. As someone with "eyes that dream" I'm seldom practical. Sometime I take decisions that would look crazy for anyone with common sense. But I take those decisions with lot of conviction& belief in God of impossible things. But most of the times those decisions I take professionally& personally, put me under tremendous financial& psychological stress. I end up being pushed against the wall. surrounded from all sides. but as someone who has "lot of experience with God" I don't really care. I know my redeemer would rescue me in the right time. But sometimes He chooses not to. & end up being in real trouble.
I ask Him- He doesn't answer.
I pray I don't even know whether He's listening.
you see, I'm not praying to an Idol. to a lifeless thing. I'm praying to the living God. so I press on. on & on. But things don't change. Mountains don't move. & I end being frustrated.

I keep questioning myself. is it my fault that i take my God too seriously?
I keep thinking If only I could behave a little smart& less spiritual...I would've been safe!
But why does God allow in His people's lives... pain? failure??& trouble???

I think I have an answer& I hope it's right.

Following Christ is not a "happy go lucky" thing. the way it's shown on those charismatic miracle working gospel meetings!
God is not magician. Even Jesus when He was moving on the earth, refused to do miracles on demand.
whenever He did a miracle, it was purely because of His love for those people. Because he was moved by their pitiable conditions, their tears.

what is God then?

God is our father.
Father, who doesn't give everything we want but everything that's good for us.
Father, who wants to perfect us. who wants to shape us to be like Him one day.
He want to refine us so that we shine like gold one day.
He doesn't just want us to be prosperous& rich like ambanis so that we can drop few cores in His hundi. But He want us to "grow"" to look for riches beyond this earth.
He got a plan for our lives. a plan that's not "instant yoga" but a process.

Who want to join the camp?
wait...he doesn't even take everyone that comes forward. only those whom He loves.
look what He has done with Abraham, Jacob, Joseph, Moses, David, Peter...
the list goes on. Those whom God chose to shape. chose to train. They were out of their homes, out of their land. They travelled like nomads. they were hunted! chased! sometimes hungry, sometimes naked...they hid in caves& lived in deserts along with dangerous people.

What a path!
whoever thought that Christianity would give money, prosperity& all things beautiful, are just fooled.
Here lies a narrow path. A path of fire. But it will lead you to eternal Joy. it will give you riches that would never fade! It'll give you the eternal joy of being in the presence of God!

& in this world, through trials& tribulations, through lack& longing... it gives you hope.
Hope of having God with us.
it gives us Immanuel!

What do i do now? surrounded from all side...

Looking unto You my God...I fight this battle!

Carry your faith in your pocket!

I look at the sky & look for some sign from God through the clouds. I do my quite time, read my Bible carefully& wait for a word from Him. I wait for some one to call me& tell me "check ur bank account!" in vain. some times out of frustration I shout " God ! I need you to do something! I can't handle this anymore!". But my God is silent. Doesn't He see what I'm going through? Doesn't He know my needs? Then why is He silent?

I remember a verse from Isaiah, which I don't remember exactly but it goes something like this..

" My hand is not shortened that I can not save you

nor My ears became numb that I cannot hear you"

I know Lord! I know all that stuff. But then why you are not intervening?

I know what's wrong. My faith is not working!

FAITH! FAITH! FAITH!

I go out in rain, looking at the sky I say " in the name of my God, STOP!" but it doesn't. I come back to my home drenched.

I look at the water tap in my office, knowing very well that there's a problem with the motor & there's no water in the tank, I say " water, COME!". It doesn't!

what's wrong? why did He say " if you have faith as small as mustard seed...you can order the mountain to be moved& thrown in the sea, & it will be done" then? Is my faith, not even as big(?) as a mustard seed? knowing that is not going to help my morale.

God....ARE YOU LISTENING? THIS "FAITH" THING YOU GAVE ME, IS NOT WORKING! It's only making me look like a fool.

I know what He'll be saying. "Faith" is not some kind of feeling! It's not looking at something with magician like a look on your face & ordering it imitating God's voice you hear in the movies!

What is this "FAITH" then Sir?

Faith is a seed that got to be nurtured. It's a strength that got to be exercised, regularly.

Faith is the outcome of a continuous fellowship with Mr perfect! i.e God!

Where's your faith? He asked His disciples once. & they mumbled. They forgot to carry that thing that morning!

Or being the close buddies of the God Himself, they never needed to apply faith that it got "rusted!"

Same thing happened with me. Yes, He gave me faith in the initial days of salvation& showed me how it works!

But then, as time passed by, I stopped applying it. stopped exercising it.

& after some time, two villains came into my life.

Villain no. 1: Money!

Money started doing almost everything that my " faith " was doing previously.& it's easy too. But the only difference is, money starts decreasing when you start using. But faith increases the more you put it to use.

& the villain no. 2: those contacts that come with success.

All I had to do is browse through my phone book & see who can help me in what. Just a call away! & oh, Josh! how can you forget even your God is just a call away! & you don't even be in debt of a help to your heavenly Father.

& that's how my friends, My faith got rusted. It got fragile! & It's not working anymore!

But I know, If I seek Him, He would be found. & He would help my faith again.

So, here I am. Exercising my faith. want to get back what I've lost, at any cost. even if needs me to wake up at 4 in the morning& meditate on His word, the way I used to do in the initial days of my salvation.

Friends...do you have faith? Then that's all you need! protect it. Use it when troubles, tribulations& challenges come. Exercise it!& it will grow. carry it with you everyday...to you work, in your journeys, where ever you go.

It's the weapon God gave us, do not let it rust!

It's a gift He gave us. do not let it waste!

remembering grand dad Nehemiah..

God's ways are mysterious! I remember that one dialogue from from the movie "Forest Gump" . In child hood Forest has croocked legs . He could not walk properly. He looked like a nerd to other kids with his oily, combed hair, spectacles& innocent looks. In his school, he was always the easy target for bullies. But before seeing of his son to the school bus, Mrs Gump always used to tell his son, "never let anyone tell you you are not normal!", "never let them tell you that you are stupid!" .
One reason I liked that movie so much was, there are people like that in my life too, that always told me I'm good for nothing. That I shouldn't be aiming big. But just like Mrs Gump kept on encouraging her son, God kept on telling me "u can". He kept on telling me "you are not ordinary. You are special!". At that time I didn't get acquainted with Him much. So I never really bothered to listen to what He was trying to tell me in the church or through Bible . I never paid attention. So He had to use some force.& Made me listen what He wants to say. This is how it happened.

When I failed my intermediate& stayed at home( I was one of the class toppers till my 10th standard, JFYI), all I used to do was to play cricket with neighbourhood kids in our front yard throughout the day. Like all the teenagers, I had many distractions. I used to go to church, never listened the sermon. Sitting there I used to doodle in my note book lost in my own world. Many preachers used to come to my place, who used to prophecy great future for me. I used to enjoy the prophetic word but when they used to try to make me pray...I somehow used to escape.

After few days, there is this old man who started coming to our tenants house. His name was Nehemiah. We used to call him Nehemiah tatayya( grand dad). He's a retired teacher& now very old. He couldn't see, he couldn't read. He used to come from quite some distance walking. Some of his relatives used to drop him in our tenant's place around 10 ó clock & pick him by 1. What does he used to do in these three hours? Listen to Bible. He would find one of the kids& made him read Psalms. From Psalms 1 to psalms 50 or Psalms 50 to psalms 119. . It can just go on. Initially all I was loosing was just one kid from my team. We still used to manage to play. But very soon all kids were scared of him& they used to run away just by the sight of him. So there's nobody to do the reading. & Because my mom had great respect for him& because she doesn't have any for my feelings, she pushed me to do the reading. So...here I was, sitting in front of him reluctantly. Trying to show all my displeasure through the way I sit, through the way I flip the pages, through the tone in which I read( I used to show it in my expressions also, but has he couldn't see, it was of no use) ...I used to give all the kind of hints, just make him understand I'm not happy. But he? He's lost in listening to the psalms. His face, filled with some inexpressible joy! as if he's listening to a great music or great poetry sitting on the banks of a beautiful lake filled with lotuses on a tranquil evening!(?). It's like as if he's saying to himself, "this is life!". It used to be such a painful never ending session for me.. especially when it's Psalms 119. I was like.AAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGHHHH.......in myself. Finally, when somebody used to come to take him back, I used to say "thank god!"". (No, I'm not saying that's how I got close to God!) .

It went on for days, weeks & months. Though it was lot of pain initially, I got used to it later. & some of the verses I could even memorise. & gradually I was not that rude to that old man, but he never cared anyway.

Time was rolling& got even deeper into the pit of failures. Everyone is unhappy with me now. Everyone in my family want a miracle to happen & me to be a success in my studies overnight! They were under pressure in the social circle because I am a failure& they started pressurising me. Nobody wanted to know my problem. nobody wanted to know what I was going through. They could use harsh words, make me feel lonely to make me realize my rsponsibility. But that only made my situation worse. All my friends disowned me & moved on. Relatives, loved ones, everyone...started looking at me as if I've committed some kind of crime. & I got broken. My confidence was shattered. I looked lost. Behind the closed doors of my room, I used to cry, sob, weep& curse myself. My failures looked endless& My life....looked hopeless. But in such a terrible situation, in my lonliness, at the verge of breaking up, suddenly some words used to pop into my mind. something like "For You have delivered my soul from death,
My eyes from tears,
And my feet from falling.".
or something like They looked to Him and were radiant And their faces were not ashamed.
& All of a sudden I used to find a new hope in those verses. I used to tell myself "don't give up, don't give up. "& take my text book & start struggling with my maths again. Slowly& gradually I started understanding His language. Little by little, I started hiding myself in His bossom. & my God, gathered me under His wings& as sis. Ivangeline Duke puts it, took me on a flight.

I understood how God speaks. A right verse from Bible in the exact time when I need it. But it was Nehemiah tatayya who trained me to memorise them. & Even today, when suddenly an apt verse pops up in my mind when I really need Him to speak, I remember Nehemiah tatayya, the old man who couldn't see, but who showed me the "WAY"& thank him. He is no more now, but he is always in my memories.

p s: I'm with you.

O Lord, how manifold are your works!

psalms 104: 24

యెహోవా, నీ కార్యములు ఎన్నెన్ని విధములుగానున్నవి!

కీర్తనలు 104:24

On 6th of July, 2010 God blessed me with a baby girl. I have to confess that I never really cared when some of my friends used to call me saying "I'm blessed with a son/ daughter". In fact, I never thought it's a big deal. Till I saw what my wife went through& how God is involved throughout her pregnancy & delivery.

I know my God from past 15 years. isn't that quite some time?In these 15 years, I knew Him as a friend who stood by me when every one else left me. A comforter who wiped my tears& gave me Hope. I knew Him as a teacher who taught me things that I never imagined I would be able to do. But still, even today,after all these years, He still surprises me with His love which is so personal. So real! In situations which look so out side the book( the Bible), in which God doesn't seem to be having any experience(?), He shows forth Himself& says I AM! Might be time & again He looks at me from heaven& says "O ye of little faith!"

What can I say about my God? His love makes me smile! His love makes tears fill my eyes!

Ruth found she was pregnant sometime in October 2009. She was idle in her organization for almost 9 months or more by that time. The I.T industry was going through tough time. The recession hit many peoples lives. Many lost jobs. If you are "on bench", you are in trouble. There was lot of stress she was going through as all she got to do was, go to the office, sit there till evening, watch others being busy with work& feel rejected. She was trying with all her friend& managers for projects. But the situation was hopeless. We were praying, real hard. I used to ask "God what's happening? Are you listening?". Then I think in the month of August, the company gave her an offer for six months. come to office twice a week, get half your salary. & after that six months, if you still fail to get a project, you are out. That was better, but that also meant the time is ticking. But the good thing about that offer was, we had more time to spend with each other. Otherwise in that one year of our wedding, we were always rushing. We never had quality time together. Once again I failed to comprehend God's plan. In these 10 months we could spend much time with each other. In October Ruth realised she was pregnant & in November she got a project!

Pregnancy was a great joy for Ruth initially. But by the time it was 7th month, it was very demanding! There were lot of mood swings& we used to quarrel over simple things. It was tough for me to understand what she was going through as even I was going through a rough patch in my profession . In the initial days of her pregnancy I used to drop her on my bike as both of us are new to drive our car. Then she started driving to her office in the car& by sixth month, I used to drop her in her office & go to my boutique in the car. We both learnt to drive after buying a brand new car& have absolutely no experience of driving till then. I'm saying this just to testify how God protected both of us & how His timing is just perfect!

In the seventh month, she moved to her hometown to be with her parents. I thought she'll enjoy the leisure& feast on great food. But she found the atmosphere completely different. She started feeling lonely there& the summer 2010 was terrible. It was sultry through out the day& she couldn't stand some of the dance reality shows on T.V that were watched in her house in the night. She used to call me & she used to sound terrible. I used to visit her as frequently as possible. & All we could do was to PRAY. As the ninth month got completed there were new problems. The date given by the doctors was 28th June. But there were no signs of pains. We went to the doctor, she said the baby's head didn't even get into it's position for delivery. Then we waited till 1st July, there were no pains. Ruth started getting desperate. Every evening she used to walk vigorously to initiate the pains but there was no sign. Some of her friends started advising her to go for a Cesarean as it's less painful(?)& as anyhow there's no sign of pains. & some started saying, you must have made a mistake in counting the days. Ruth was getting restless by all this& she was tired. When we went to the doctor on 3rd July, she asked her to come after two days & get admitted . Which means by normal or Cesarean, the baby would be out by 5th. All these days my prayer was "God, give her a normal delivery. I don't want a blade to be used on her body. But God, don't let the pains be so painful. Please give her a easy delivery." One night after I finished praying for Ruth such a prayer, she started arguing with me saying, "why are you praying for a normal delivery?" I said "coz, that's how God wants it to be in Bible. isn't it? She started saying" no, you pray, God let it be according to your will. but don't pray "give her a normal delivery". you don't understand how painful it's going to be"!. I said "OK. as you wish." On 5th morning we went to see the doctor. Ruth went in & the first thing she said to the doctor was, "doctor, do a Cesarean& get the baby out. I can't wait anymore." & the Doctor checked her & said "don't worry. 'It's going to be a normal delivery" & got Ruth admitted .

She sat on the bed. slowly she started feeling minor pains. By the evening the intensity of the pains increased& so is the frequency. I sat beside her& started reading some of my favourite verses from "song of songs" from Bible. The pains increased but they weren't unbearable. We both were alone as her parents went home to get food& other necessary things. we both kept praying.

I don't remember when was the last time God listened to my prayer& did a miracle. or I must have lost my sense of wonder to recognise His miracles. Last one year has been such a stress in work, such a pressure together as a family we went through. so many times I asked for a miracle, something astounding, like what He did for His people in wilderness. But i did not see any. Sometimes I used to tell myself, "don't pressurise yourself& God for a miracle. He loves you. believe that & move on." But now, I need a miracle. Nothing else would do. We prayed as if He's standing in front of us. We prayed as that's the only thing we could do. It was 10 in the night. & I can't stay there with her in the night. Ruth's mom came to stay with her& I came back home. When I called her around 11:30, Ruth spoke & said she's alright though the pains have increased. I prayed again & slept. Around 5 in the morning, there was a call from Ruth's mom to start up immediately to the hospital as Ruth got shifted to he labour room. We reached hospital in 20 minutes. On my way to the hospital i was telling myself that I would be beside Ruth as she goes through the pains. I remember my sister telling me the other day that if the pains are minor, it can take even two days. Me& Ruth's dad reached the hospital. As he was parking his vehicle, I went into the hospital. The hospital was empty& as I was walking towards the labour room, I heard the cry of a baby. A thought came into my mind, Is she mine? But then I thought it can't be so soon. I saw Ruth's mom standing outside the room& I thought I heard Ruth's voice saying ""show her to Josh!". I asked "aunty?" She looked lost& suddenly said "don't go in!". I thought it's not mine& started walking back. Ruth's dad came almost running & aunty said "it's baby girl!".He came to me & started shaking my hands saying "congrats!" But I was in a shock. They got the baby out to clean. I stood outside the room & asked Ruth, "chinnee are you alright?" she said "yes"". I saw the baby. I couldn't decide at that time whether she was beautiful or not. Whether she resembled me or her, whether she's dusky or fair. I was in no mood to judge. All I knew at that time was that- in front of me is a miracle! "Life" breathed by none other than God the creator Himself. A handiwork of the master crafts man. What can I say? I was spellbound. The Almighty God, compelled by love, listened to the prayers of a sinner like me & answered with a miracle! A normal delivery, comparatively an easy delivery. What else can I ask for? Isn't His timing the perfect& His ways...the most beautiful& incomprehensible?

sitting there in the lobby quietly, I remembered a verse from Bible.

7 “For what great nation is there that has God so near to it, as the LORD our God is to us, for whatever reason we may call upon Him?. Deuteronomy 4:7

...మనము ఆయనకు మొర్ర పెట్టునెప్పుడెల్ల మన దేవుడైన యెహోవా మనకు సమీపముగానున్నట్టు మరి ఏ గొప్ప జనమునకు ఏ దేవుడు సమీపముగా ఉన్నాడు? . ద్వితీయోపదేశకాండము 4:7

Let me sing of my Beloved...-2

1Blessed be the LORD my strength

which teacheth

my hands to war, and my fingers to fight: Psalms 114:1

నా అశ్రయదుర్గమగు యెహోవా సన్నుతింపబడును గాకఆయన నా చేతులకు యుద్ధమును నా వ్రేళ్ళకు పోరాటమును నేర్పు వాడై ఉన్నాడు. కీర్తనలు 144:1

18th April 1998.

NIFT campus, Nampally.

2.pm

It's noise all around me. people are running here & there. Some girls & boys are searching for something desperately from some big books. Some well dressed girls are being fed by there rich looking moms. Some students are trying to find out with some seniors "what do they ask in the interview"? . Some of them, who are appearing it for the second time are taking some hints from the guest faculties they knew. What am I doing there? I sat near the window. looking down at the traffic from third floor. My cousin Prakash is sitting beside me with his bag. we both looked so out of the place. Everybody in that room are city bred, jeans wearing& English speaking. There's an atmosphere of richness there& it suffocated me. I opened the glass window. the air started hitting my face. I don't know anybody in that room. & I can not be a part of their conversation. In next few minutes, they are going to call me inside for an interview. They are going to ask me questions about fashion& life style. I am supposed to answer them....in ENGLISH.

"English!" I sighed. Coming from a small village in AP, studied in Telugu medium government schools all my life, I never really conversed with anybody in English till then. I Know there will be 5 or more people inside who would judge every moment of my body & every word that's going to come out of my mouth. What am I going to do there? Though I wasn't really worried, I must admit my heart started beating faster. I'm tensed. "Give me that hymns book" I asked my cousin.I wanted to detach myself from that buzz for a while. My cousin was on his way to church as it was a Sunday, so he was carrying a Bible & hymns book. I took the book into my hands & started singing in a very low pitch. I don't really remember what I actually sung that day but I'm sure I must have sung these lines.

"చావు గోతి లో నుండిలేవనెత్తి నాకై

జీవమిచ్చిన జీవధాత... ( to the one who lifted me from grave& gave away His life...)

as I started singing those lines, my heart was filled with gratitude for my God. Tears filled my eyes as I remembered how the whole world left me & how my God....my God alone stood by my side. How He comforted me through His word, through His messengers in such a hopeless phase of my life. the song was still on my lips as started remembering what all I've gone through in the past year after I got my EAMCET rank.

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The day when I found that I've passed my Intermediate & got a engineering rank, that was one of the happiest days of my life. That day, as I was riding my bicycle on the roads of my village, I held my head high& my shoulders firm, after years. I remember sharing that news with the only friend I was left with, Ramakrishna. I said "anna...I did it. Finally...I've done. I'm going to be an engineer now. nobody can call me useless anymore. Yes"!& I started telling everybody in my village that I'm going to be an engineer. There was a sense of vengeance in my voice when I used to tell my friends& relatives that I'm going to join engineering, after all for all that they did to me, I'm finally giving them back. But, is my God finally finished working on me? I got the answer for that question after few months.

Months are passing by...but there's no call letter for me for engineering counselling& admission. The government took a decision about seat allocation& there's case filed in the High court against that g.o. Every day I'm checking the news paper but there is no news about counselling for my rank. The government has finished counselling up to certain rank & they started with classes for them. June...July...August...September...october..November..There's no news about counselling. The news papers even stopped following what's happening in the court about that G.O& what's happening with counselling. Slowly I've started loosing confidence about my Engineering seat. But that's already too late. being so sure about my engineering seat, I didn't even join graduation. It's December& I started panicking. Am I going to loose this also? Am I going to loose one more academic year? I've been boasting I'm going to an engineer! What will I tell them now? How can I even face the world again? My head started splitting with questions. I started asking God...."God..are you going to leave me again?" As was desperately looking for some news about eng. counselling, I bumped into this notification about NIFT. National Institute of fashion technology...I've heard about this. A college that can change the destiny of your life. A college that can give you a career with great lifestyle, money & fame.Couple of years back, I even got the prospectus for NIFT, but my dad, after going through it thoroughly, said "NO" as it won't get me a govt. job. But now I have no choice. I went to dad & asked him slowly, "Dad..can I try for NIFT as I'm not sure about this engineering thing." My dad, who was tired of me by then, looked into my eyes& said "do whatever you want do. Or forget studying, I'll give you some money, start a mechanic shop!". I left that room & called up my cousin in Hyderabad & got the prospectus , filled it & sent it in the last minute& forgot about it.

After few days there were two news for me.

1) my engineering counselling, the last counselling for all left overs would be on Feb 3, 1998.

2) My NIFT entrance written test for general ability & creative ability would be on Feb 6, 1998.

Now, at last, I can see the end of the tunnel.

Is there any light there?

*************************************************************************************

3rd Feb 1998

Sanketika vidya bhavan, Masab tank, Hyderabad

11pm

"It's over!" they announced in the loud speaker. The engineering counselling for the academic year 97-98 is over. They started closing the gates. Me & my dad came out& started walking. we were waiting there from 8 o clock in the morning, with a hope that they'll call my name& give me a seat. In any branch, in any college. All I wanted was not to go back empty handed. But it's all over. It's finished. it was very late in the night. Me & my dad started walking from masab tank to his officer's guest house in Basheer bagh . The roads are completely empty. There's utter silence between us. We reached the guest house & slept off. The next day my dad left for some work & I was all alone in the guest house. It was evening . I sat in the balcony& started thinking what to say to people when I reach my village. All these days I've been telling everybody that I got an engineering seat. But now I don't know what to say. two& half years of failures, insults & tears. I thought finally it came to an end with this engineering seat. But no. It's not over. More & more insults are waiting for me back home. & I've to face them all over again. How long will I survive this? How long would my courage last? how long would my God let me go through this? How long??

tears started rolling down my eyes as I sat there till it was dark. Didn't realize when my dad came back & saw me quietly weeping. He didn't say anything. But in his silence, somehow, for the very first time, I found a heart that shared my pain . The next day morning my dad left me with my cousin at HCU& left for my village. Two days later I have my NIFT entrance test.

6th feb 1998.

Urdu bhavan. Himayat nagar.

I reached the venue just in time. Some how managed to buy few color pencils on the way to the examination center in the last minute. When I reached there there was almost a traffic jam. there were so many cars parked on both sides of the road. I thought I must be the only guy who reached that place in a bus. wearing a baggy jeans with an iron crease& a formal shirt, I looked like a specimen there. The bell rang & the test started. I looked around. Everybody in trendy clothes & different colored pens properly set on their desks. Looking at them I can tell that they've been preparing for NIFT all their life. It was a general ability test. Where my GK, logic& basic English & maths were tested. In these two years of sitting at home, all I was doing was going through news papers& dictionary. so it was not difficult for me. The first part of the exam was over. There was a lunch break. After the lunch, It was the test of creative ability. every body came back after lunch. In a different dress now. When I looked around, the desks looked like stationary shops. With color pencils, crayons, water colors, sharpeners, erasers etc. I looked at my desk. All I have is a set of 10 small size camlin color pencils. The test started. Drawing! something which I enjoyed all my life! I used my 10 color pencils effectively & got the desired colored effects. The exam got over. I came out. I felt good about the way I performed. The next day I came back to my village. After few days I got a letter from NIFT that said I got through the first phase of my entrance test. But I still have a situation test & personal interview to go through to get a seat in this prestigious institute. & that's going to be on 18th april, 1998.

*************************************************************************************

I came out of my thoughts. They started calling students inside. It's going to be my turn anytime now. I started praying... "God...please be with me. I don't know what I'm going to speak inside. But if You are with me..I know it's possible!" Joshua!...they called. I went inside. They are around 8- 10 people sitting there inside. I wished them& sat. They started asking me questions. About my background, about colors, what I know about Fashion etc etc. I started answering them. Where am I getting the words from? how am I framing those sentences? God only knows. All I know is I'm talking non stop...in English! Only once the flow stopped. "You can talk in Telugu if you want" one of them said. "No Sir !" I said. "I''m fine with English". When I came out of that room after few minutes, I was really in a shock. How did I manage to answer so many of them in a language which I never spoke before? God only knows.

For the next couple of months I started telling my friends that' I'm going to join in NIFT. People used to ask me back " is it some kind of computer course?". I used to have tough time explaining them about fashion designing. Months passed. I didn't get any news from NIFT. I heard that the results are out. I asked my cousin in Hyderabad to go & check. He called me that night. He said "I've seen results in the notice board. But couldn't see your name. " The last blow on my bruised spirit. "This is it! " I thought. I've pushed myself& crawled to the end of the tunnel, only to find myself in a never ending pit.

But by this time I completely gave up. Gave up everything into the hands of my God. The only thing I clung to was prayer& quite time with my God. There was a rest in my life. I was enjoying the silence which comes after a storm. I fought, I lost & now...I gave up this fight into my God's hands. & now, I can relax. Nothing can trouble me anymore.

On one of the days in the first week of July, I got a letter from NIFT. I don't know what's written inside. I took it into my hands & opened it. My heart started beating faster as I was going through those lines congratulating me for being through with my entrance test& being eligible for a seat in NIFT.& After I finished going through that letter.There came a shout, a loud cry in the highest pitch of my voice ....yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

was I releasing the frustration that got stored in my heart for years ? was it a shout of celebration? shout of victory over the failures that pinned my spirit to the ground for years? Was that an answer to all those who mocked me, laughed at me & insulted me again & again? what was that? After 12 years, in one of the worship camps I found the answer. it's called "shabbak" which means worshipping the God with a loud cry. A war cry!

*************************************************************************************

Few months after I joined in NIFT, Hyderabad, one day one of the girls in my class asked me.."What were you doing that day when we were attending our interview for NIFT? all of us were so tensed & were biting our nails & YOU...were singing happily? I got so mad at you."

Wow! I thought I was singing with in myself. But the wind carried the song to all those who were in that room. & All those who heard my song know...It's not about JOSHUA...It's all about joshua's GOD!

HALLELUJAH!!!

12 What shall I render to the LORD

For all His benefits toward me?

13 I will take up the cup of salvation,

And call upon the name of the LORD.

14 I will pay my vows to the LORD

Now in the presence of all His people. Psalms 116: 12-14 .

యెహోవా నాకు చేసిన ఉపకారములన్నిటికి నేనాయనకేమి చెల్లింతును?రక్షణపాత్రను చేత పుచ్చుకుని యెహోవా నామమున ప్రార్ధన చేసెదను. యెహోవాకు నా మ్రొక్కుబళ్ళు చెల్లించెదను ఆయన ప్రజలందరి యెదుటనే చెల్లించెదను. కీర్తనలు 116: 12-14

let me sing of my beloved...

For You have delivered my soul from death,

My eyes from tears,

And my feet from falling.

Psalms 116:8

మరణము నుండి నా ప్రాణమును, కణ్ణీళ్ళు విడువకుండా నాకన్నులను, జారిపడకుండా నా పాదములను నీవు తప్పించి యున్నావు. కీర్తనలు 116:8

It was Easter yesterday. So our worship service started early. We walked in just on time & found Pravin, our worship leader encouraging people to worship. We joined the worship. I started recollecting all that my God has done in my life. That's what I do everytime I worship. I remember His goodness& my unworthyness. I remember what my life was before I started having this love affair with my God.

Failure! That's what I was. Good for nothing! that's what I was. Rejected! yes. That's me! Hopeless. That was my future.

July 12, 1998.

I got down from my bus at Hyderabad. kept my foot in this city of minars, forts & dreams. But my story doesn't begin in 1998. It actually begins in 1995. Thát's when I failed in my life for the very first time. I failed in my Intermediate in two subjects. First year maths & second year chemistry. I could finish chemistry in sep 1995. But to finish my maths it took me two long years. I appear for march 1996, i failed. I appeared for instant exam in april, I failed. I appeared in september,I failed. (In 1996 I also took EAMCET longterm coaching, but because I couldn't finish my Inter, I couldn't appear for EAMCET, causing somuch of financial loss to my Dad). In 1997 march, I failed.

I failed, I failed & I failed. My life suddenly bacame dark. My friends left me. Infact they started making fun of me in my very pressence. My parents were very disappointed with me& they were dishertened as nobody in their family ever failed. Not knowing how to make me realise the importance of studies they used to try the classic telugu family style of encouraging! I mean, scolding& threatening etc. I used to stay in my uncle's place in Vizag for my EAMCET coaching & he was terribly annoyed with me as I never used to go to my classes regularly. He used to try to "encourage" me by talking sircastically. somany times I used to lock myself in the bathroom & cry not knowing what to do.

Everybody left me. parents were unhappy, friends are making fun& relatives were rude.

What was I going through?

I used to long for one person who would come to me & ask me "tell me what you are going through. I want to listen ". I would've poured out all all my woes in his ears. I would've cried out "I'm trying my level best. But I'm failing. pl help me. " But there was none.

I used to long for one person who would walk up to me & say "you can do it Joshua". But there was none.

I still remember how I used to wander on the roads of NSTL in vizag not knowing what will my future be. Some times I used to lie down in the parks till late night, looking into the stars thinking how to end my life. I used to think I'll go to some isolated beach & drown myself. I used to lie down there imagining myself dead & weep bitterly. All my confidance was gone. I was left behind by everybody all alone. The future was looking bleak. there was no hope.

By the end of these two years, all my friends left me. I was completely broken within. I used to have a severe head ache whenever I used to think of my future. I used to wear all pastel color shirts as even a little darker color on my body used to make me restless & give me a head ache. I lost all loved ones. But there's one friend I started becoming closer with.

Jesus!

As I have nobody to talk to, I used to tell everything to my God. My complaints about how my friends were insulting me, My complaints about how I'm studying well but still failing, blah blah blah... Reading Bible everymorning & making notes, remembering the promises given by God in the bible & pressing on them in my prayers became my habbits. Every morning I used to wake up at 4 am longing to meet my friend. I used to rush to my small room & kneel down praying for hours. Slowly I started feeling rest in my life. The assurance of having my friend on my side gave me a new hope. But did things change?

1997 April. I'm standing at sir CRR college administration section. The clerk was looking for my hall ticket for my Instant exam which was scheduled two days later. he looked everywhere & said "are you sure you applied for instant exam? I can't find your hall ticket". My heart missed a beat. I became pale. & I tried to remember. He is right. I didn't apply. I stood there in a shock. How mindless I became. I didn't even remember about my exam. I was blank. Am I going to loose one more year? God...please help me. The clerk looked at me& said. Go get a passport photo. I ran to a nearest photo studio & got a photograph clicked & got it to him. I still have that photo. droooped shoulders, hopelessness in my eyes, . I ran & gave him that photgraph. He gave me the hall ticket. I wrote that test really well. I was sure I'll get more than a pass mark. But what happened? The exam got cancelled as the question paper was leaked some where in AP. After one month I wrote that exam again. & I also wrote EAMCET.

In the month of June I got my eamcet results first. I got 14,000 rank. My brother said I would surely get a seat in engineering. But I didn't pass my inter exam yet. The pressure was building. will I fail again? If I fail, this rank in EAMCET would be no good. I kept on praying. After a week on an early morning I got my Inter results. My brother & I were going through the results. My mom was praying inside. My eyes were racing along with the numbers. 5557 133 135 145 ........176 . THANK GOD ! I shouted. "You are passed" said my brother. My mom came out from prayer & kissed me on my forehead.

Finally...the clouds are moving. I started breathing. Is the sun going to shine in my life again?

Sky? or Tata sky??

The more I study the creation, the more I'm in awe of the creator: Loui Pasture

last Sunday after the service we all went to dev's place. Dev& Soumya who are recently married, stay in a pent house near Malaysian town ship. After having a delicious lunch, the women practiced singing for their " Women's day celebration" while some of us ( pravin, kishan, ruth & I) happily slept & snored. By the time we woke up it was dark. I still managed to emotionally black mail soumya & make her prepare some tea. & After having tea, finally we came out to the terrace to leave. As we were walking towards the stairs I looked into the sky casually & found the moon & twinkling stars in the clear dark blue sky.I couldn't resist saying Wow ! the serenity captivated me. An emotion, a feeling associated with many memories from my child hood gripped my heart. I couldn't stop but think "When was the last time I looked at the stars?"

It also reminded me one of my conversations with my wife before we got married. I mean, when we were still just friends. One night when I called her casually, she said she's on terrace. I asked her "what are you doing on terrace?" she said "nothing. Just looking at the stars". That answer was quite surprising. I mean "just staring at stars" ? don't you have anything important to do?

After that incident, as I was pondering on it while I was driving to my boutique, I remembered my many experiences with "star gazing". My childhood was spent in villages. Some part in Polavaram, a village on the banks of river Godavari. Life was all about playing in polavaram. Playing in the sand at the river's shore, playing cricket along with my brother on the clay on the bank of the river ( I still remember how my dad chased both of us from the cricked ground to our house when we were playing in the red hot sun), Playing in the muddy pools with friend after the famous floods in 1986. But the most nostalgic memory is lying on the terrace along with annayya& akka in the summer vacation & looking at the stars& moon listening to the stories told by chinnanna. Then we used to go to grandparent's village. Eating the cookies grandmas made, we used to roam along with friends all through the day. But in the night, we all used to lie down on the nulaka mancham ( a cot widely used in villages made up of some Eco- friendly yarn) & stare at the stars twinkling in the clear dark blue sky. Looking into the sky was a everyday programme in summers.


What a days were those..


When we were in Bapatla, some times my dad used to narrate us stories from Russian revolution while all of us used to lie down after dinner in the summer vacation. Staring at the white lit moon, as the cool breeze used to touch us softly & leave,we used to get lost in an imaginary world hearing our dad fascinatingly explaining how Stalin's men fought bravely with the unbeatable Germans& made them flee. Slowly& unknowingly we used to get into a deep slumber. Those golden days of my childhood. No need of any fans, no knowledge of mosquito coils. When was the last time I felt free& liberated like that? When was the last time I looked at the stars?




After coming to Hyderabad I tried to do it again. lying on the terrace& looking at the stars. But even before I could find where the moon is, the mosquitoes would find me & start having a feast. No number of mosquito coils or no amount of repellent creams could save me. Slowly & gradually I came out of this fantasy called star gazing& started sleeping like how everybody sleeps in Hyderabad. With fan in it's maximum speed, a mosquito coil beside my bed& watching TV.




That night after getting bumped into the moon& stars at Dev's terrace, I suddenly realizes what I've lost. I've lost eyes that would look into the sky. I lost a heart with curiosity. I lost my imagination. I lost my sense of wonder.& I lost it coz I stopped looking into the sky & started watching TATA sky.



the Bible says:


1 If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God. 2 Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth. colossi ans 3:1


When was the last time you looked at the things that are above? When was the last time you looked into the sky?

Our mornings start late coz our nights start late. Our nights start late coz our work demands us to leave late. The pollution & the traffic leave us dry& lifeless so by the time we reach home all we want to do is lie. Who got time to look into the sky?

They say What we see is what we believe. Come out of your apartment & try to look around. All you see is sky scrapers, buildings. On the way to our offices all we see is coolest vehicles& latest cars. Even if you want to look into sky, your view is obstructed by hoardings. Hoardings displaying latest movie or latest car or latest alcohol brand. As most of us believe only what we see, we end up believing the latest car or coolest house or latest fit of jeans as ultimate reality. We work hard to make money throughout the month & spend it on these "realities" .

If only we could see the sky...

The magnificent Sun & the splendour of the moon, the twinkling stars & the large blue sky..they would witness the Creator's Handy work. They would lead you to the Master craftsman. As we get lost in appreciating the beauty of the creation we end up finding Creator in every thing we see.

1 The heavens declare the glory of God;

the skies proclaim the work of his hands.

2 Day after day they pour forth speech;

night after night they display knowledge.

3 There is no speech or language

where their voice is not heard. [a]

4 Their voice [b] goes out into all the earth,

their words to the ends of the world. Psalms 19:1-5

How pity that even we, Christians, who are called to hope for the "city with foundations, whose builder & maker is God " are getting trapped in this illusionary reality. There were days when Christians were kicked out of houses for believing in Jesus. Not having more than one pair of clothes to wear, not having anything to eat, But still had this inexpressible & glorious Joy in Christ making them restless to share the good news with others. People like Sadhu Sundar singh, Bhakt singh were thrown out of the houses not having a single penny in their pockets for believing in this faith. My mom used to narrate me stories about people like P.M Samuel garu, (the founder of Indian Pentecostal Church), how he had only one pair of clothes to wear & how he used to wash it in a pond outside the village& remain in the pond till it gets dried& then come out, wear it & go to the villages to preach GOOD NEWS. Men of God, who were desperate to save the souls from hell. who were desperate to share this joy of salvation. El- Roi, the God who sees, did not fail them. Their blessings are beyond this lifetime.

What are we called to be & what we've become?

Where did we loose the hope? Where did we get lost?

why our churches are so pompous &became our idols?

why we take pride in the golden jewellery we wear than the Holy Bible we carry?

why reknowned preachers are standing in the courts facing land grabbing allegations?

Why christian names are heard in murder& robbery cases?

Why our youth find wearing one big metal cross in the neck is "cool" but coming & sitting in the church is pain?

Where did we go wrong? Where did we loose our hope?

We lost our hope coz we lost our focus. Instead of looking unto Jesus, we started looking at the world& lost our track.

the Bible says:

If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men the most pitiable. 1 Corinthians 15:19

It also says:

But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ. Philippians 3:20

Let's look unto Jesus today. Let's look unto the SUN of righteousness today. Let His glory, blind us for this world& it's pleasures. & let His light shine upon our lives . Let's get lost in His presence today.

Let's look UP to HIM& HIM alone today.

Great brand! poor brand ambassadors!!

Some time back me & my wife, chinni went to a town in Tamil naadu to attend a friend's wedding. The next day after wedding we went to see a hill station near by. It was not a great place. not much of a greenery, nothing really exciting except few scenic views. But we didn't want to be disappointed so we started enjoying whatever the place offered. We hired cycles & had a ride around the lake sweating in the scorching sun. People were looking at us strangely but that didn't let our spirits down.

Then not knowing what to else do...chinni & her friend started climbing the trees around the lake & I started clicking like mad. But that was not enough, as we still had lot of time to kill. So we got into our cab & started exploring. As we were going in one of those narrow lanes we found a shop selling what generally sold in every hill station. Herbal shampoos, Neelgiri eucalyptus oil, dry fruits etc.

But what grabbed my attention was something else. There were four chairs made up of solid bamboo in the shop. They were simple in design but something made them unique. It's the construction. Looking a them I could make out that they are very carefully& meticulously constructed that gave them strength to withstand weight. I got so excited looking at them. I asked the shop owner where he got it from. He said that one of his friends made for him who make these as a hobby . I took his number from the shop owner & went in the search of the artist who works with bamboo. He stays in a town around 50 km away. It was not easy finding his house, but when we finally did, I was really surprised & glad. The walls of his house had posters about denied justice for Bhopal gas tragedy. Some news paper clippings talking about the poisonous industrial wastage that's dumped everyday in the waters in Indian metropolitans like Mumbai. His small office room had grass mat flooring& bamboo furniture. He showed us around his work shop & fell in love with his work. He is not one of those for whom talking about Eco- friendly products is a "in thing". He's an environmentalist with a conviction. He means business when it comes to injustice towards earth& humanity. We ordered for some bamboo furniture& left that place inspired. As our friendship grew with time I came to know more about him. when ever I talk to him, he leaves me thinking. Few days back when I called him, he was telling me about his visit to Chattisgarh & the atrocities of the government against innocent tribes in the name of "operation Green hunt". He sounded really disturbed& agonized. He asked me "Arvind...can you please ask your director Shekhar kammula to go through this information & if possible make a movie about this unjust war of this government in the name of fight against terrorism? The world need to know about this oppression& there's nobody to stand for them. The government gave the license to to corporates to do mining of natural resources & threatening the tribes to leave their homes."

I asked him..."Piyush..why are you getting into all this trouble? what about your family?". he smiled & said something which I'll remember for a lifetime. " it's one life arvind."

It gives me great joy to call him my friend. But how did I meet him? Through a bamboo chair. Through a product. A lifeless thing, a product that spoke about it's maker. Creation that testified about it's creator. What an awesome fact!

Want to share one more experience with you.

Last time when I went to my in-laws place in Anakapalli, I had one day to visit my parents. As chinni should not travel, I went alone, spent a day & wanted to return by the first train next day morning. I got into Ratnachal express in Tadepalli gudem. The compartment was crowded. I was assuming that the train would be free& as it's only a few hours journey, didn't get my seat reserved. I looked around for somebody who can spare some space for me to sit down. But you know about general compartments & people who "own""seats. They would accommodate all kinds of bags, suitcases, samosas & tea cups but a fellow human being. I stood for sometime seeing through the window. In the next few seats were sitting a group of people who looked like Christians. (It got affirmed after seeing the way they drank the sambar after eating good number of idlis). It was a three seater & only two guys were sitting in it. I got elated thinking I got a seat. After all, they are Christians. After patiently waiting till they finished eating, I politely asked them, saying "excuse me sir, can I sit here?" that guy looked at me & said" how can you think there's a seat vacant? no station came & nobody got down right?" I was shocked at his logic. Still said"there are only two guys right?" . He said "all our guys are setting in the next block" saying that he called "hey hepsi come here". Two girls from next adjacent bunch of seats came & sat there. I felt embarrassed for my desperation. Few minutes passed & a station came. one middle aged woman got in. in the search of seat she came to the adjacent seats & asked our christian sisters. "ammaa..looks like it's vacant. can I sit here?" Oho...you thought somebody got down coz there was a station?" shouted our man. All our guys are sitting here. Hepsi..go & sit there" he said. this girl went back& occupied the place there. Now this brother, to save his seat from me, sits in the seat with his legs folded. I didn't want to lower my dignity by asking him again. There was a guy standing beside me looking at the whole thing. He said "Is this what the Lord preached?" He continued saying..."there were days when we used to think that Christians are different people. They doesn't long after earthly things like money. But now....everyone are the same. everybody is selfish, everybody is after money". I didn't want to tell him that I'm a christian too. We went on talking about various things like Telangana, YSR's death etc. In the background our christian brother is shouting in his cell" Esther..you woke up? good. Did you pray? Pray & get something to eat...." I wanted to tell him "brother ...no need to shout. your actions are much louder than your words".

I got down the train. But I kept thinking. How a lifeless bamboo chair testified about it's maker. Led me to it's creator.& How we Christians are becoming a wrong witnesses of our God. I looked into my life. how many times I misrepresented my King. Showed Him in poor light. Gave a wrong testimony about Him with my filthy deeds. & instead of leading them to the creator, I misled many people away from God with my talk, with my actions.

The Bible says": "God's name is blasphemed among the Gentiles because of you." Romans 2:24[a]

I read in the news paper recently, that some of the international brands are thinking of firing Tiger woods as their brand ambassador, as the sales of their products dropped considerably after his scandoullous sex life came into light. I remember how "Thums up" fired Salman khan because of his violent& anti social behaviour, like hit& run & wild animal hunt.

The brands can disown their brand ambassadors& move on, if they damage their brand's image. They can fire them & find a new ambassador.

It's not the same case with God. How patient & long suffering is our God with us. How steadfast is His love for us. that He doesn't disown us despite the damage we cause to His name. That He doesn't just fire us& move on. From day one of His creation, out of all the creation, human beings are the only ones who failed him & pained Him.

(And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. And it repented the LORD that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart. Genesis 6:5,6)

The oceans, seas, colorful fishes& corals, The great mountains & hills& all the great& small animals , The trees , the creepers& beautiful flowers, birds, caterpillars & butterflies, The awesome sun, moon & all the great stars.....The universe diclares His majesty. It declares His beauty. They testify though they can not speak. They represent Him by obeying Him & standing for Him. We are the best of His creation. We are made in His image. We are blessed with wisdom, free will & ability to speak. What are we doing with it?

It came into my thought again. A lifeless bamboo chair lead me to it's maker. It showed the the quality of it's creator. When will I, with all this He gave, will show Him, through my talk, through my action to a fellow human being?

when will they see Jesus when they see me?