do you love me?

do you still love me?

I asked her in the phone. "I can't tell you whether I still love you or not" she answered. it was 12th July 1998. After coming out of the telephone booth I caught a bus to Hyderabad. As the bus was zooming towards Hyderabad, I remembered the letters she wrote saying how much she loved me& the hours I wasted sitting beside my window looking for her. The pain I gave my parents by ignoring my studies& the insults I bore loosing my self respect.

Do you love me?
this question kept coming back in my life. the answers were different. "

some said "I don't know whether it's love or not!"

some said" yes I used to.but..."

some were really embarrassed when I used to be possessive with them in a group of friends. it's like.."c'mon, why do u want it to be public?"

years passed. my quest for love never ended. this thirst for some one who loves me despite my failure. despite my weaknesses. despite my drawbacks. for a love that wouldn't change. That wouldn't lessen with time. A love that is wouldn't fear. A love that wouldn't be ashamed of a public demonstration!

Couldn't find a single one. oh..what a hypocritical world! What a calculative minds!! what a manipulative talks!!!

tired of them. Tired of the way the world loves!

That's when I realised the greatness of my Redeemer's love.
He loved me when I was still a failure. He loved me when I was deserted by everyone. He loved me when my mind was still filled with filthiest thoughts. He loved me when I was still dirty.

But He loved me when I needed love the most.

He loved me& that's not where it ends. He paid a price for my redemption. He lifted me from the dirt& cleansed me with His blood. He took my shame, my guilt, my filth & threw it away never to be remembered.

does it end there?

my Redeemer, my True love - displayed His love for me in the public. He was not ashamed to be spat on, to be stripped, slapped, whipped& to be nailed!

All for me. All to tell me- that He loves me! That He loves me more than heavens, more than Glory, More than He loved Himself!!
He was not ashamed to hang on the cross publicly, openly so the whole universe knows!
that

HE LOVES ME!

Finally... I found Love. This valentines day- I'm not empty hearted. my heart is overflowing with Love. with grattitude. i'm in a awe of my True love's beauty! I'm happy!!

letter from God's training camp

I stayed away from blogging for a long time. It's not that I have nothing to write but actually I was going through lot of fight. fight with myself . with my faith. some times I fell & really didn't have any guts to talk about God who is holy. some times I went through the lane of lack.that made me loose all my confidence to talk about the God who provides.

For me God is real. He sees. He hears. He knows.
He is more real to me than what I see.

But if I don't experience the same in my professional& personal lives...what good is my faith?
Jesus once said " Ask& it shall be given unto you. seek& you'll find. Knock! & it shall be opened for you. ! everyone who ask shall receive!" what a promise! & who said that? none other than my God. to whom? to everyone who believes. i.e to me.

Looking at Him I fight this battle. As someone with "eyes that dream" I'm seldom practical. Sometime I take decisions that would look crazy for anyone with common sense. But I take those decisions with lot of conviction& belief in God of impossible things. But most of the times those decisions I take professionally& personally, put me under tremendous financial& psychological stress. I end up being pushed against the wall. surrounded from all sides. but as someone who has "lot of experience with God" I don't really care. I know my redeemer would rescue me in the right time. But sometimes He chooses not to. & end up being in real trouble.
I ask Him- He doesn't answer.
I pray I don't even know whether He's listening.
you see, I'm not praying to an Idol. to a lifeless thing. I'm praying to the living God. so I press on. on & on. But things don't change. Mountains don't move. & I end being frustrated.

I keep questioning myself. is it my fault that i take my God too seriously?
I keep thinking If only I could behave a little smart& less spiritual...I would've been safe!
But why does God allow in His people's lives... pain? failure??& trouble???

I think I have an answer& I hope it's right.

Following Christ is not a "happy go lucky" thing. the way it's shown on those charismatic miracle working gospel meetings!
God is not magician. Even Jesus when He was moving on the earth, refused to do miracles on demand.
whenever He did a miracle, it was purely because of His love for those people. Because he was moved by their pitiable conditions, their tears.

what is God then?

God is our father.
Father, who doesn't give everything we want but everything that's good for us.
Father, who wants to perfect us. who wants to shape us to be like Him one day.
He want to refine us so that we shine like gold one day.
He doesn't just want us to be prosperous& rich like ambanis so that we can drop few cores in His hundi. But He want us to "grow"" to look for riches beyond this earth.
He got a plan for our lives. a plan that's not "instant yoga" but a process.

Who want to join the camp?
wait...he doesn't even take everyone that comes forward. only those whom He loves.
look what He has done with Abraham, Jacob, Joseph, Moses, David, Peter...
the list goes on. Those whom God chose to shape. chose to train. They were out of their homes, out of their land. They travelled like nomads. they were hunted! chased! sometimes hungry, sometimes naked...they hid in caves& lived in deserts along with dangerous people.

What a path!
whoever thought that Christianity would give money, prosperity& all things beautiful, are just fooled.
Here lies a narrow path. A path of fire. But it will lead you to eternal Joy. it will give you riches that would never fade! It'll give you the eternal joy of being in the presence of God!

& in this world, through trials& tribulations, through lack& longing... it gives you hope.
Hope of having God with us.
it gives us Immanuel!

What do i do now? surrounded from all side...

Looking unto You my God...I fight this battle!

Carry your faith in your pocket!

I look at the sky & look for some sign from God through the clouds. I do my quite time, read my Bible carefully& wait for a word from Him. I wait for some one to call me& tell me "check ur bank account!" in vain. some times out of frustration I shout " God ! I need you to do something! I can't handle this anymore!". But my God is silent. Doesn't He see what I'm going through? Doesn't He know my needs? Then why is He silent?

I remember a verse from Isaiah, which I don't remember exactly but it goes something like this..

" My hand is not shortened that I can not save you

nor My ears became numb that I cannot hear you"

I know Lord! I know all that stuff. But then why you are not intervening?

I know what's wrong. My faith is not working!

FAITH! FAITH! FAITH!

I go out in rain, looking at the sky I say " in the name of my God, STOP!" but it doesn't. I come back to my home drenched.

I look at the water tap in my office, knowing very well that there's a problem with the motor & there's no water in the tank, I say " water, COME!". It doesn't!

what's wrong? why did He say " if you have faith as small as mustard seed...you can order the mountain to be moved& thrown in the sea, & it will be done" then? Is my faith, not even as big(?) as a mustard seed? knowing that is not going to help my morale.

God....ARE YOU LISTENING? THIS "FAITH" THING YOU GAVE ME, IS NOT WORKING! It's only making me look like a fool.

I know what He'll be saying. "Faith" is not some kind of feeling! It's not looking at something with magician like a look on your face & ordering it imitating God's voice you hear in the movies!

What is this "FAITH" then Sir?

Faith is a seed that got to be nurtured. It's a strength that got to be exercised, regularly.

Faith is the outcome of a continuous fellowship with Mr perfect! i.e God!

Where's your faith? He asked His disciples once. & they mumbled. They forgot to carry that thing that morning!

Or being the close buddies of the God Himself, they never needed to apply faith that it got "rusted!"

Same thing happened with me. Yes, He gave me faith in the initial days of salvation& showed me how it works!

But then, as time passed by, I stopped applying it. stopped exercising it.

& after some time, two villains came into my life.

Villain no. 1: Money!

Money started doing almost everything that my " faith " was doing previously.& it's easy too. But the only difference is, money starts decreasing when you start using. But faith increases the more you put it to use.

& the villain no. 2: those contacts that come with success.

All I had to do is browse through my phone book & see who can help me in what. Just a call away! & oh, Josh! how can you forget even your God is just a call away! & you don't even be in debt of a help to your heavenly Father.

& that's how my friends, My faith got rusted. It got fragile! & It's not working anymore!

But I know, If I seek Him, He would be found. & He would help my faith again.

So, here I am. Exercising my faith. want to get back what I've lost, at any cost. even if needs me to wake up at 4 in the morning& meditate on His word, the way I used to do in the initial days of my salvation.

Friends...do you have faith? Then that's all you need! protect it. Use it when troubles, tribulations& challenges come. Exercise it!& it will grow. carry it with you everyday...to you work, in your journeys, where ever you go.

It's the weapon God gave us, do not let it rust!

It's a gift He gave us. do not let it waste!

remembering grand dad Nehemiah..

God's ways are mysterious! I remember that one dialogue from from the movie "Forest Gump" . In child hood Forest has croocked legs . He could not walk properly. He looked like a nerd to other kids with his oily, combed hair, spectacles& innocent looks. In his school, he was always the easy target for bullies. But before seeing of his son to the school bus, Mrs Gump always used to tell his son, "never let anyone tell you you are not normal!", "never let them tell you that you are stupid!" .
One reason I liked that movie so much was, there are people like that in my life too, that always told me I'm good for nothing. That I shouldn't be aiming big. But just like Mrs Gump kept on encouraging her son, God kept on telling me "u can". He kept on telling me "you are not ordinary. You are special!". At that time I didn't get acquainted with Him much. So I never really bothered to listen to what He was trying to tell me in the church or through Bible . I never paid attention. So He had to use some force.& Made me listen what He wants to say. This is how it happened.

When I failed my intermediate& stayed at home( I was one of the class toppers till my 10th standard, JFYI), all I used to do was to play cricket with neighbourhood kids in our front yard throughout the day. Like all the teenagers, I had many distractions. I used to go to church, never listened the sermon. Sitting there I used to doodle in my note book lost in my own world. Many preachers used to come to my place, who used to prophecy great future for me. I used to enjoy the prophetic word but when they used to try to make me pray...I somehow used to escape.

After few days, there is this old man who started coming to our tenants house. His name was Nehemiah. We used to call him Nehemiah tatayya( grand dad). He's a retired teacher& now very old. He couldn't see, he couldn't read. He used to come from quite some distance walking. Some of his relatives used to drop him in our tenant's place around 10 ó clock & pick him by 1. What does he used to do in these three hours? Listen to Bible. He would find one of the kids& made him read Psalms. From Psalms 1 to psalms 50 or Psalms 50 to psalms 119. . It can just go on. Initially all I was loosing was just one kid from my team. We still used to manage to play. But very soon all kids were scared of him& they used to run away just by the sight of him. So there's nobody to do the reading. & Because my mom had great respect for him& because she doesn't have any for my feelings, she pushed me to do the reading. So...here I was, sitting in front of him reluctantly. Trying to show all my displeasure through the way I sit, through the way I flip the pages, through the tone in which I read( I used to show it in my expressions also, but has he couldn't see, it was of no use) ...I used to give all the kind of hints, just make him understand I'm not happy. But he? He's lost in listening to the psalms. His face, filled with some inexpressible joy! as if he's listening to a great music or great poetry sitting on the banks of a beautiful lake filled with lotuses on a tranquil evening!(?). It's like as if he's saying to himself, "this is life!". It used to be such a painful never ending session for me.. especially when it's Psalms 119. I was like.AAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGHHHH.......in myself. Finally, when somebody used to come to take him back, I used to say "thank god!"". (No, I'm not saying that's how I got close to God!) .

It went on for days, weeks & months. Though it was lot of pain initially, I got used to it later. & some of the verses I could even memorise. & gradually I was not that rude to that old man, but he never cared anyway.

Time was rolling& got even deeper into the pit of failures. Everyone is unhappy with me now. Everyone in my family want a miracle to happen & me to be a success in my studies overnight! They were under pressure in the social circle because I am a failure& they started pressurising me. Nobody wanted to know my problem. nobody wanted to know what I was going through. They could use harsh words, make me feel lonely to make me realize my rsponsibility. But that only made my situation worse. All my friends disowned me & moved on. Relatives, loved ones, everyone...started looking at me as if I've committed some kind of crime. & I got broken. My confidence was shattered. I looked lost. Behind the closed doors of my room, I used to cry, sob, weep& curse myself. My failures looked endless& My life....looked hopeless. But in such a terrible situation, in my lonliness, at the verge of breaking up, suddenly some words used to pop into my mind. something like "For You have delivered my soul from death,
My eyes from tears,
And my feet from falling.".
or something like They looked to Him and were radiant And their faces were not ashamed.
& All of a sudden I used to find a new hope in those verses. I used to tell myself "don't give up, don't give up. "& take my text book & start struggling with my maths again. Slowly& gradually I started understanding His language. Little by little, I started hiding myself in His bossom. & my God, gathered me under His wings& as sis. Ivangeline Duke puts it, took me on a flight.

I understood how God speaks. A right verse from Bible in the exact time when I need it. But it was Nehemiah tatayya who trained me to memorise them. & Even today, when suddenly an apt verse pops up in my mind when I really need Him to speak, I remember Nehemiah tatayya, the old man who couldn't see, but who showed me the "WAY"& thank him. He is no more now, but he is always in my memories.

p s: I'm with you.

O Lord, how manifold are your works!

psalms 104: 24

యెహోవా, నీ కార్యములు ఎన్నెన్ని విధములుగానున్నవి!

కీర్తనలు 104:24

On 6th of July, 2010 God blessed me with a baby girl. I have to confess that I never really cared when some of my friends used to call me saying "I'm blessed with a son/ daughter". In fact, I never thought it's a big deal. Till I saw what my wife went through& how God is involved throughout her pregnancy & delivery.

I know my God from past 15 years. isn't that quite some time?In these 15 years, I knew Him as a friend who stood by me when every one else left me. A comforter who wiped my tears& gave me Hope. I knew Him as a teacher who taught me things that I never imagined I would be able to do. But still, even today,after all these years, He still surprises me with His love which is so personal. So real! In situations which look so out side the book( the Bible), in which God doesn't seem to be having any experience(?), He shows forth Himself& says I AM! Might be time & again He looks at me from heaven& says "O ye of little faith!"

What can I say about my God? His love makes me smile! His love makes tears fill my eyes!

Ruth found she was pregnant sometime in October 2009. She was idle in her organization for almost 9 months or more by that time. The I.T industry was going through tough time. The recession hit many peoples lives. Many lost jobs. If you are "on bench", you are in trouble. There was lot of stress she was going through as all she got to do was, go to the office, sit there till evening, watch others being busy with work& feel rejected. She was trying with all her friend& managers for projects. But the situation was hopeless. We were praying, real hard. I used to ask "God what's happening? Are you listening?". Then I think in the month of August, the company gave her an offer for six months. come to office twice a week, get half your salary. & after that six months, if you still fail to get a project, you are out. That was better, but that also meant the time is ticking. But the good thing about that offer was, we had more time to spend with each other. Otherwise in that one year of our wedding, we were always rushing. We never had quality time together. Once again I failed to comprehend God's plan. In these 10 months we could spend much time with each other. In October Ruth realised she was pregnant & in November she got a project!

Pregnancy was a great joy for Ruth initially. But by the time it was 7th month, it was very demanding! There were lot of mood swings& we used to quarrel over simple things. It was tough for me to understand what she was going through as even I was going through a rough patch in my profession . In the initial days of her pregnancy I used to drop her on my bike as both of us are new to drive our car. Then she started driving to her office in the car& by sixth month, I used to drop her in her office & go to my boutique in the car. We both learnt to drive after buying a brand new car& have absolutely no experience of driving till then. I'm saying this just to testify how God protected both of us & how His timing is just perfect!

In the seventh month, she moved to her hometown to be with her parents. I thought she'll enjoy the leisure& feast on great food. But she found the atmosphere completely different. She started feeling lonely there& the summer 2010 was terrible. It was sultry through out the day& she couldn't stand some of the dance reality shows on T.V that were watched in her house in the night. She used to call me & she used to sound terrible. I used to visit her as frequently as possible. & All we could do was to PRAY. As the ninth month got completed there were new problems. The date given by the doctors was 28th June. But there were no signs of pains. We went to the doctor, she said the baby's head didn't even get into it's position for delivery. Then we waited till 1st July, there were no pains. Ruth started getting desperate. Every evening she used to walk vigorously to initiate the pains but there was no sign. Some of her friends started advising her to go for a Cesarean as it's less painful(?)& as anyhow there's no sign of pains. & some started saying, you must have made a mistake in counting the days. Ruth was getting restless by all this& she was tired. When we went to the doctor on 3rd July, she asked her to come after two days & get admitted . Which means by normal or Cesarean, the baby would be out by 5th. All these days my prayer was "God, give her a normal delivery. I don't want a blade to be used on her body. But God, don't let the pains be so painful. Please give her a easy delivery." One night after I finished praying for Ruth such a prayer, she started arguing with me saying, "why are you praying for a normal delivery?" I said "coz, that's how God wants it to be in Bible. isn't it? She started saying" no, you pray, God let it be according to your will. but don't pray "give her a normal delivery". you don't understand how painful it's going to be"!. I said "OK. as you wish." On 5th morning we went to see the doctor. Ruth went in & the first thing she said to the doctor was, "doctor, do a Cesarean& get the baby out. I can't wait anymore." & the Doctor checked her & said "don't worry. 'It's going to be a normal delivery" & got Ruth admitted .

She sat on the bed. slowly she started feeling minor pains. By the evening the intensity of the pains increased& so is the frequency. I sat beside her& started reading some of my favourite verses from "song of songs" from Bible. The pains increased but they weren't unbearable. We both were alone as her parents went home to get food& other necessary things. we both kept praying.

I don't remember when was the last time God listened to my prayer& did a miracle. or I must have lost my sense of wonder to recognise His miracles. Last one year has been such a stress in work, such a pressure together as a family we went through. so many times I asked for a miracle, something astounding, like what He did for His people in wilderness. But i did not see any. Sometimes I used to tell myself, "don't pressurise yourself& God for a miracle. He loves you. believe that & move on." But now, I need a miracle. Nothing else would do. We prayed as if He's standing in front of us. We prayed as that's the only thing we could do. It was 10 in the night. & I can't stay there with her in the night. Ruth's mom came to stay with her& I came back home. When I called her around 11:30, Ruth spoke & said she's alright though the pains have increased. I prayed again & slept. Around 5 in the morning, there was a call from Ruth's mom to start up immediately to the hospital as Ruth got shifted to he labour room. We reached hospital in 20 minutes. On my way to the hospital i was telling myself that I would be beside Ruth as she goes through the pains. I remember my sister telling me the other day that if the pains are minor, it can take even two days. Me& Ruth's dad reached the hospital. As he was parking his vehicle, I went into the hospital. The hospital was empty& as I was walking towards the labour room, I heard the cry of a baby. A thought came into my mind, Is she mine? But then I thought it can't be so soon. I saw Ruth's mom standing outside the room& I thought I heard Ruth's voice saying ""show her to Josh!". I asked "aunty?" She looked lost& suddenly said "don't go in!". I thought it's not mine& started walking back. Ruth's dad came almost running & aunty said "it's baby girl!".He came to me & started shaking my hands saying "congrats!" But I was in a shock. They got the baby out to clean. I stood outside the room & asked Ruth, "chinnee are you alright?" she said "yes"". I saw the baby. I couldn't decide at that time whether she was beautiful or not. Whether she resembled me or her, whether she's dusky or fair. I was in no mood to judge. All I knew at that time was that- in front of me is a miracle! "Life" breathed by none other than God the creator Himself. A handiwork of the master crafts man. What can I say? I was spellbound. The Almighty God, compelled by love, listened to the prayers of a sinner like me & answered with a miracle! A normal delivery, comparatively an easy delivery. What else can I ask for? Isn't His timing the perfect& His ways...the most beautiful& incomprehensible?

sitting there in the lobby quietly, I remembered a verse from Bible.

7 “For what great nation is there that has God so near to it, as the LORD our God is to us, for whatever reason we may call upon Him?. Deuteronomy 4:7

...మనము ఆయనకు మొర్ర పెట్టునెప్పుడెల్ల మన దేవుడైన యెహోవా మనకు సమీపముగానున్నట్టు మరి ఏ గొప్ప జనమునకు ఏ దేవుడు సమీపముగా ఉన్నాడు? . ద్వితీయోపదేశకాండము 4:7

Let me sing of my Beloved...-2

1Blessed be the LORD my strength

which teacheth

my hands to war, and my fingers to fight: Psalms 114:1

నా అశ్రయదుర్గమగు యెహోవా సన్నుతింపబడును గాకఆయన నా చేతులకు యుద్ధమును నా వ్రేళ్ళకు పోరాటమును నేర్పు వాడై ఉన్నాడు. కీర్తనలు 144:1

18th April 1998.

NIFT campus, Nampally.

2.pm

It's noise all around me. people are running here & there. Some girls & boys are searching for something desperately from some big books. Some well dressed girls are being fed by there rich looking moms. Some students are trying to find out with some seniors "what do they ask in the interview"? . Some of them, who are appearing it for the second time are taking some hints from the guest faculties they knew. What am I doing there? I sat near the window. looking down at the traffic from third floor. My cousin Prakash is sitting beside me with his bag. we both looked so out of the place. Everybody in that room are city bred, jeans wearing& English speaking. There's an atmosphere of richness there& it suffocated me. I opened the glass window. the air started hitting my face. I don't know anybody in that room. & I can not be a part of their conversation. In next few minutes, they are going to call me inside for an interview. They are going to ask me questions about fashion& life style. I am supposed to answer them....in ENGLISH.

"English!" I sighed. Coming from a small village in AP, studied in Telugu medium government schools all my life, I never really conversed with anybody in English till then. I Know there will be 5 or more people inside who would judge every moment of my body & every word that's going to come out of my mouth. What am I going to do there? Though I wasn't really worried, I must admit my heart started beating faster. I'm tensed. "Give me that hymns book" I asked my cousin.I wanted to detach myself from that buzz for a while. My cousin was on his way to church as it was a Sunday, so he was carrying a Bible & hymns book. I took the book into my hands & started singing in a very low pitch. I don't really remember what I actually sung that day but I'm sure I must have sung these lines.

"చావు గోతి లో నుండిలేవనెత్తి నాకై

జీవమిచ్చిన జీవధాత... ( to the one who lifted me from grave& gave away His life...)

as I started singing those lines, my heart was filled with gratitude for my God. Tears filled my eyes as I remembered how the whole world left me & how my God....my God alone stood by my side. How He comforted me through His word, through His messengers in such a hopeless phase of my life. the song was still on my lips as started remembering what all I've gone through in the past year after I got my EAMCET rank.

*************************************************************************************

The day when I found that I've passed my Intermediate & got a engineering rank, that was one of the happiest days of my life. That day, as I was riding my bicycle on the roads of my village, I held my head high& my shoulders firm, after years. I remember sharing that news with the only friend I was left with, Ramakrishna. I said "anna...I did it. Finally...I've done. I'm going to be an engineer now. nobody can call me useless anymore. Yes"!& I started telling everybody in my village that I'm going to be an engineer. There was a sense of vengeance in my voice when I used to tell my friends& relatives that I'm going to join engineering, after all for all that they did to me, I'm finally giving them back. But, is my God finally finished working on me? I got the answer for that question after few months.

Months are passing by...but there's no call letter for me for engineering counselling& admission. The government took a decision about seat allocation& there's case filed in the High court against that g.o. Every day I'm checking the news paper but there is no news about counselling for my rank. The government has finished counselling up to certain rank & they started with classes for them. June...July...August...September...october..November..There's no news about counselling. The news papers even stopped following what's happening in the court about that G.O& what's happening with counselling. Slowly I've started loosing confidence about my Engineering seat. But that's already too late. being so sure about my engineering seat, I didn't even join graduation. It's December& I started panicking. Am I going to loose this also? Am I going to loose one more academic year? I've been boasting I'm going to an engineer! What will I tell them now? How can I even face the world again? My head started splitting with questions. I started asking God...."God..are you going to leave me again?" As was desperately looking for some news about eng. counselling, I bumped into this notification about NIFT. National Institute of fashion technology...I've heard about this. A college that can change the destiny of your life. A college that can give you a career with great lifestyle, money & fame.Couple of years back, I even got the prospectus for NIFT, but my dad, after going through it thoroughly, said "NO" as it won't get me a govt. job. But now I have no choice. I went to dad & asked him slowly, "Dad..can I try for NIFT as I'm not sure about this engineering thing." My dad, who was tired of me by then, looked into my eyes& said "do whatever you want do. Or forget studying, I'll give you some money, start a mechanic shop!". I left that room & called up my cousin in Hyderabad & got the prospectus , filled it & sent it in the last minute& forgot about it.

After few days there were two news for me.

1) my engineering counselling, the last counselling for all left overs would be on Feb 3, 1998.

2) My NIFT entrance written test for general ability & creative ability would be on Feb 6, 1998.

Now, at last, I can see the end of the tunnel.

Is there any light there?

*************************************************************************************

3rd Feb 1998

Sanketika vidya bhavan, Masab tank, Hyderabad

11pm

"It's over!" they announced in the loud speaker. The engineering counselling for the academic year 97-98 is over. They started closing the gates. Me & my dad came out& started walking. we were waiting there from 8 o clock in the morning, with a hope that they'll call my name& give me a seat. In any branch, in any college. All I wanted was not to go back empty handed. But it's all over. It's finished. it was very late in the night. Me & my dad started walking from masab tank to his officer's guest house in Basheer bagh . The roads are completely empty. There's utter silence between us. We reached the guest house & slept off. The next day my dad left for some work & I was all alone in the guest house. It was evening . I sat in the balcony& started thinking what to say to people when I reach my village. All these days I've been telling everybody that I got an engineering seat. But now I don't know what to say. two& half years of failures, insults & tears. I thought finally it came to an end with this engineering seat. But no. It's not over. More & more insults are waiting for me back home. & I've to face them all over again. How long will I survive this? How long would my courage last? how long would my God let me go through this? How long??

tears started rolling down my eyes as I sat there till it was dark. Didn't realize when my dad came back & saw me quietly weeping. He didn't say anything. But in his silence, somehow, for the very first time, I found a heart that shared my pain . The next day morning my dad left me with my cousin at HCU& left for my village. Two days later I have my NIFT entrance test.

6th feb 1998.

Urdu bhavan. Himayat nagar.

I reached the venue just in time. Some how managed to buy few color pencils on the way to the examination center in the last minute. When I reached there there was almost a traffic jam. there were so many cars parked on both sides of the road. I thought I must be the only guy who reached that place in a bus. wearing a baggy jeans with an iron crease& a formal shirt, I looked like a specimen there. The bell rang & the test started. I looked around. Everybody in trendy clothes & different colored pens properly set on their desks. Looking at them I can tell that they've been preparing for NIFT all their life. It was a general ability test. Where my GK, logic& basic English & maths were tested. In these two years of sitting at home, all I was doing was going through news papers& dictionary. so it was not difficult for me. The first part of the exam was over. There was a lunch break. After the lunch, It was the test of creative ability. every body came back after lunch. In a different dress now. When I looked around, the desks looked like stationary shops. With color pencils, crayons, water colors, sharpeners, erasers etc. I looked at my desk. All I have is a set of 10 small size camlin color pencils. The test started. Drawing! something which I enjoyed all my life! I used my 10 color pencils effectively & got the desired colored effects. The exam got over. I came out. I felt good about the way I performed. The next day I came back to my village. After few days I got a letter from NIFT that said I got through the first phase of my entrance test. But I still have a situation test & personal interview to go through to get a seat in this prestigious institute. & that's going to be on 18th april, 1998.

*************************************************************************************

I came out of my thoughts. They started calling students inside. It's going to be my turn anytime now. I started praying... "God...please be with me. I don't know what I'm going to speak inside. But if You are with me..I know it's possible!" Joshua!...they called. I went inside. They are around 8- 10 people sitting there inside. I wished them& sat. They started asking me questions. About my background, about colors, what I know about Fashion etc etc. I started answering them. Where am I getting the words from? how am I framing those sentences? God only knows. All I know is I'm talking non stop...in English! Only once the flow stopped. "You can talk in Telugu if you want" one of them said. "No Sir !" I said. "I''m fine with English". When I came out of that room after few minutes, I was really in a shock. How did I manage to answer so many of them in a language which I never spoke before? God only knows.

For the next couple of months I started telling my friends that' I'm going to join in NIFT. People used to ask me back " is it some kind of computer course?". I used to have tough time explaining them about fashion designing. Months passed. I didn't get any news from NIFT. I heard that the results are out. I asked my cousin in Hyderabad to go & check. He called me that night. He said "I've seen results in the notice board. But couldn't see your name. " The last blow on my bruised spirit. "This is it! " I thought. I've pushed myself& crawled to the end of the tunnel, only to find myself in a never ending pit.

But by this time I completely gave up. Gave up everything into the hands of my God. The only thing I clung to was prayer& quite time with my God. There was a rest in my life. I was enjoying the silence which comes after a storm. I fought, I lost & now...I gave up this fight into my God's hands. & now, I can relax. Nothing can trouble me anymore.

On one of the days in the first week of July, I got a letter from NIFT. I don't know what's written inside. I took it into my hands & opened it. My heart started beating faster as I was going through those lines congratulating me for being through with my entrance test& being eligible for a seat in NIFT.& After I finished going through that letter.There came a shout, a loud cry in the highest pitch of my voice ....yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

was I releasing the frustration that got stored in my heart for years ? was it a shout of celebration? shout of victory over the failures that pinned my spirit to the ground for years? Was that an answer to all those who mocked me, laughed at me & insulted me again & again? what was that? After 12 years, in one of the worship camps I found the answer. it's called "shabbak" which means worshipping the God with a loud cry. A war cry!

*************************************************************************************

Few months after I joined in NIFT, Hyderabad, one day one of the girls in my class asked me.."What were you doing that day when we were attending our interview for NIFT? all of us were so tensed & were biting our nails & YOU...were singing happily? I got so mad at you."

Wow! I thought I was singing with in myself. But the wind carried the song to all those who were in that room. & All those who heard my song know...It's not about JOSHUA...It's all about joshua's GOD!

HALLELUJAH!!!

12 What shall I render to the LORD

For all His benefits toward me?

13 I will take up the cup of salvation,

And call upon the name of the LORD.

14 I will pay my vows to the LORD

Now in the presence of all His people. Psalms 116: 12-14 .

యెహోవా నాకు చేసిన ఉపకారములన్నిటికి నేనాయనకేమి చెల్లింతును?రక్షణపాత్రను చేత పుచ్చుకుని యెహోవా నామమున ప్రార్ధన చేసెదను. యెహోవాకు నా మ్రొక్కుబళ్ళు చెల్లించెదను ఆయన ప్రజలందరి యెదుటనే చెల్లించెదను. కీర్తనలు 116: 12-14

let me sing of my beloved...

For You have delivered my soul from death,

My eyes from tears,

And my feet from falling.

Psalms 116:8

మరణము నుండి నా ప్రాణమును, కణ్ణీళ్ళు విడువకుండా నాకన్నులను, జారిపడకుండా నా పాదములను నీవు తప్పించి యున్నావు. కీర్తనలు 116:8

It was Easter yesterday. So our worship service started early. We walked in just on time & found Pravin, our worship leader encouraging people to worship. We joined the worship. I started recollecting all that my God has done in my life. That's what I do everytime I worship. I remember His goodness& my unworthyness. I remember what my life was before I started having this love affair with my God.

Failure! That's what I was. Good for nothing! that's what I was. Rejected! yes. That's me! Hopeless. That was my future.

July 12, 1998.

I got down from my bus at Hyderabad. kept my foot in this city of minars, forts & dreams. But my story doesn't begin in 1998. It actually begins in 1995. Thát's when I failed in my life for the very first time. I failed in my Intermediate in two subjects. First year maths & second year chemistry. I could finish chemistry in sep 1995. But to finish my maths it took me two long years. I appear for march 1996, i failed. I appeared for instant exam in april, I failed. I appeared in september,I failed. (In 1996 I also took EAMCET longterm coaching, but because I couldn't finish my Inter, I couldn't appear for EAMCET, causing somuch of financial loss to my Dad). In 1997 march, I failed.

I failed, I failed & I failed. My life suddenly bacame dark. My friends left me. Infact they started making fun of me in my very pressence. My parents were very disappointed with me& they were dishertened as nobody in their family ever failed. Not knowing how to make me realise the importance of studies they used to try the classic telugu family style of encouraging! I mean, scolding& threatening etc. I used to stay in my uncle's place in Vizag for my EAMCET coaching & he was terribly annoyed with me as I never used to go to my classes regularly. He used to try to "encourage" me by talking sircastically. somany times I used to lock myself in the bathroom & cry not knowing what to do.

Everybody left me. parents were unhappy, friends are making fun& relatives were rude.

What was I going through?

I used to long for one person who would come to me & ask me "tell me what you are going through. I want to listen ". I would've poured out all all my woes in his ears. I would've cried out "I'm trying my level best. But I'm failing. pl help me. " But there was none.

I used to long for one person who would walk up to me & say "you can do it Joshua". But there was none.

I still remember how I used to wander on the roads of NSTL in vizag not knowing what will my future be. Some times I used to lie down in the parks till late night, looking into the stars thinking how to end my life. I used to think I'll go to some isolated beach & drown myself. I used to lie down there imagining myself dead & weep bitterly. All my confidance was gone. I was left behind by everybody all alone. The future was looking bleak. there was no hope.

By the end of these two years, all my friends left me. I was completely broken within. I used to have a severe head ache whenever I used to think of my future. I used to wear all pastel color shirts as even a little darker color on my body used to make me restless & give me a head ache. I lost all loved ones. But there's one friend I started becoming closer with.

Jesus!

As I have nobody to talk to, I used to tell everything to my God. My complaints about how my friends were insulting me, My complaints about how I'm studying well but still failing, blah blah blah... Reading Bible everymorning & making notes, remembering the promises given by God in the bible & pressing on them in my prayers became my habbits. Every morning I used to wake up at 4 am longing to meet my friend. I used to rush to my small room & kneel down praying for hours. Slowly I started feeling rest in my life. The assurance of having my friend on my side gave me a new hope. But did things change?

1997 April. I'm standing at sir CRR college administration section. The clerk was looking for my hall ticket for my Instant exam which was scheduled two days later. he looked everywhere & said "are you sure you applied for instant exam? I can't find your hall ticket". My heart missed a beat. I became pale. & I tried to remember. He is right. I didn't apply. I stood there in a shock. How mindless I became. I didn't even remember about my exam. I was blank. Am I going to loose one more year? God...please help me. The clerk looked at me& said. Go get a passport photo. I ran to a nearest photo studio & got a photograph clicked & got it to him. I still have that photo. droooped shoulders, hopelessness in my eyes, . I ran & gave him that photgraph. He gave me the hall ticket. I wrote that test really well. I was sure I'll get more than a pass mark. But what happened? The exam got cancelled as the question paper was leaked some where in AP. After one month I wrote that exam again. & I also wrote EAMCET.

In the month of June I got my eamcet results first. I got 14,000 rank. My brother said I would surely get a seat in engineering. But I didn't pass my inter exam yet. The pressure was building. will I fail again? If I fail, this rank in EAMCET would be no good. I kept on praying. After a week on an early morning I got my Inter results. My brother & I were going through the results. My mom was praying inside. My eyes were racing along with the numbers. 5557 133 135 145 ........176 . THANK GOD ! I shouted. "You are passed" said my brother. My mom came out from prayer & kissed me on my forehead.

Finally...the clouds are moving. I started breathing. Is the sun going to shine in my life again?