let me sing of my beloved...

For You have delivered my soul from death,

My eyes from tears,

And my feet from falling.

Psalms 116:8

మరణము నుండి నా ప్రాణమును, కణ్ణీళ్ళు విడువకుండా నాకన్నులను, జారిపడకుండా నా పాదములను నీవు తప్పించి యున్నావు. కీర్తనలు 116:8

It was Easter yesterday. So our worship service started early. We walked in just on time & found Pravin, our worship leader encouraging people to worship. We joined the worship. I started recollecting all that my God has done in my life. That's what I do everytime I worship. I remember His goodness& my unworthyness. I remember what my life was before I started having this love affair with my God.

Failure! That's what I was. Good for nothing! that's what I was. Rejected! yes. That's me! Hopeless. That was my future.

July 12, 1998.

I got down from my bus at Hyderabad. kept my foot in this city of minars, forts & dreams. But my story doesn't begin in 1998. It actually begins in 1995. Thát's when I failed in my life for the very first time. I failed in my Intermediate in two subjects. First year maths & second year chemistry. I could finish chemistry in sep 1995. But to finish my maths it took me two long years. I appear for march 1996, i failed. I appeared for instant exam in april, I failed. I appeared in september,I failed. (In 1996 I also took EAMCET longterm coaching, but because I couldn't finish my Inter, I couldn't appear for EAMCET, causing somuch of financial loss to my Dad). In 1997 march, I failed.

I failed, I failed & I failed. My life suddenly bacame dark. My friends left me. Infact they started making fun of me in my very pressence. My parents were very disappointed with me& they were dishertened as nobody in their family ever failed. Not knowing how to make me realise the importance of studies they used to try the classic telugu family style of encouraging! I mean, scolding& threatening etc. I used to stay in my uncle's place in Vizag for my EAMCET coaching & he was terribly annoyed with me as I never used to go to my classes regularly. He used to try to "encourage" me by talking sircastically. somany times I used to lock myself in the bathroom & cry not knowing what to do.

Everybody left me. parents were unhappy, friends are making fun& relatives were rude.

What was I going through?

I used to long for one person who would come to me & ask me "tell me what you are going through. I want to listen ". I would've poured out all all my woes in his ears. I would've cried out "I'm trying my level best. But I'm failing. pl help me. " But there was none.

I used to long for one person who would walk up to me & say "you can do it Joshua". But there was none.

I still remember how I used to wander on the roads of NSTL in vizag not knowing what will my future be. Some times I used to lie down in the parks till late night, looking into the stars thinking how to end my life. I used to think I'll go to some isolated beach & drown myself. I used to lie down there imagining myself dead & weep bitterly. All my confidance was gone. I was left behind by everybody all alone. The future was looking bleak. there was no hope.

By the end of these two years, all my friends left me. I was completely broken within. I used to have a severe head ache whenever I used to think of my future. I used to wear all pastel color shirts as even a little darker color on my body used to make me restless & give me a head ache. I lost all loved ones. But there's one friend I started becoming closer with.

Jesus!

As I have nobody to talk to, I used to tell everything to my God. My complaints about how my friends were insulting me, My complaints about how I'm studying well but still failing, blah blah blah... Reading Bible everymorning & making notes, remembering the promises given by God in the bible & pressing on them in my prayers became my habbits. Every morning I used to wake up at 4 am longing to meet my friend. I used to rush to my small room & kneel down praying for hours. Slowly I started feeling rest in my life. The assurance of having my friend on my side gave me a new hope. But did things change?

1997 April. I'm standing at sir CRR college administration section. The clerk was looking for my hall ticket for my Instant exam which was scheduled two days later. he looked everywhere & said "are you sure you applied for instant exam? I can't find your hall ticket". My heart missed a beat. I became pale. & I tried to remember. He is right. I didn't apply. I stood there in a shock. How mindless I became. I didn't even remember about my exam. I was blank. Am I going to loose one more year? God...please help me. The clerk looked at me& said. Go get a passport photo. I ran to a nearest photo studio & got a photograph clicked & got it to him. I still have that photo. droooped shoulders, hopelessness in my eyes, . I ran & gave him that photgraph. He gave me the hall ticket. I wrote that test really well. I was sure I'll get more than a pass mark. But what happened? The exam got cancelled as the question paper was leaked some where in AP. After one month I wrote that exam again. & I also wrote EAMCET.

In the month of June I got my eamcet results first. I got 14,000 rank. My brother said I would surely get a seat in engineering. But I didn't pass my inter exam yet. The pressure was building. will I fail again? If I fail, this rank in EAMCET would be no good. I kept on praying. After a week on an early morning I got my Inter results. My brother & I were going through the results. My mom was praying inside. My eyes were racing along with the numbers. 5557 133 135 145 ........176 . THANK GOD ! I shouted. "You are passed" said my brother. My mom came out from prayer & kissed me on my forehead.

Finally...the clouds are moving. I started breathing. Is the sun going to shine in my life again?