Let me sing of my Beloved...-2

1Blessed be the LORD my strength

which teacheth

my hands to war, and my fingers to fight: Psalms 114:1

నా అశ్రయదుర్గమగు యెహోవా సన్నుతింపబడును గాకఆయన నా చేతులకు యుద్ధమును నా వ్రేళ్ళకు పోరాటమును నేర్పు వాడై ఉన్నాడు. కీర్తనలు 144:1

18th April 1998.

NIFT campus, Nampally.

2.pm

It's noise all around me. people are running here & there. Some girls & boys are searching for something desperately from some big books. Some well dressed girls are being fed by there rich looking moms. Some students are trying to find out with some seniors "what do they ask in the interview"? . Some of them, who are appearing it for the second time are taking some hints from the guest faculties they knew. What am I doing there? I sat near the window. looking down at the traffic from third floor. My cousin Prakash is sitting beside me with his bag. we both looked so out of the place. Everybody in that room are city bred, jeans wearing& English speaking. There's an atmosphere of richness there& it suffocated me. I opened the glass window. the air started hitting my face. I don't know anybody in that room. & I can not be a part of their conversation. In next few minutes, they are going to call me inside for an interview. They are going to ask me questions about fashion& life style. I am supposed to answer them....in ENGLISH.

"English!" I sighed. Coming from a small village in AP, studied in Telugu medium government schools all my life, I never really conversed with anybody in English till then. I Know there will be 5 or more people inside who would judge every moment of my body & every word that's going to come out of my mouth. What am I going to do there? Though I wasn't really worried, I must admit my heart started beating faster. I'm tensed. "Give me that hymns book" I asked my cousin.I wanted to detach myself from that buzz for a while. My cousin was on his way to church as it was a Sunday, so he was carrying a Bible & hymns book. I took the book into my hands & started singing in a very low pitch. I don't really remember what I actually sung that day but I'm sure I must have sung these lines.

"చావు గోతి లో నుండిలేవనెత్తి నాకై

జీవమిచ్చిన జీవధాత... ( to the one who lifted me from grave& gave away His life...)

as I started singing those lines, my heart was filled with gratitude for my God. Tears filled my eyes as I remembered how the whole world left me & how my God....my God alone stood by my side. How He comforted me through His word, through His messengers in such a hopeless phase of my life. the song was still on my lips as started remembering what all I've gone through in the past year after I got my EAMCET rank.

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The day when I found that I've passed my Intermediate & got a engineering rank, that was one of the happiest days of my life. That day, as I was riding my bicycle on the roads of my village, I held my head high& my shoulders firm, after years. I remember sharing that news with the only friend I was left with, Ramakrishna. I said "anna...I did it. Finally...I've done. I'm going to be an engineer now. nobody can call me useless anymore. Yes"!& I started telling everybody in my village that I'm going to be an engineer. There was a sense of vengeance in my voice when I used to tell my friends& relatives that I'm going to join engineering, after all for all that they did to me, I'm finally giving them back. But, is my God finally finished working on me? I got the answer for that question after few months.

Months are passing by...but there's no call letter for me for engineering counselling& admission. The government took a decision about seat allocation& there's case filed in the High court against that g.o. Every day I'm checking the news paper but there is no news about counselling for my rank. The government has finished counselling up to certain rank & they started with classes for them. June...July...August...September...october..November..There's no news about counselling. The news papers even stopped following what's happening in the court about that G.O& what's happening with counselling. Slowly I've started loosing confidence about my Engineering seat. But that's already too late. being so sure about my engineering seat, I didn't even join graduation. It's December& I started panicking. Am I going to loose this also? Am I going to loose one more academic year? I've been boasting I'm going to an engineer! What will I tell them now? How can I even face the world again? My head started splitting with questions. I started asking God...."God..are you going to leave me again?" As was desperately looking for some news about eng. counselling, I bumped into this notification about NIFT. National Institute of fashion technology...I've heard about this. A college that can change the destiny of your life. A college that can give you a career with great lifestyle, money & fame.Couple of years back, I even got the prospectus for NIFT, but my dad, after going through it thoroughly, said "NO" as it won't get me a govt. job. But now I have no choice. I went to dad & asked him slowly, "Dad..can I try for NIFT as I'm not sure about this engineering thing." My dad, who was tired of me by then, looked into my eyes& said "do whatever you want do. Or forget studying, I'll give you some money, start a mechanic shop!". I left that room & called up my cousin in Hyderabad & got the prospectus , filled it & sent it in the last minute& forgot about it.

After few days there were two news for me.

1) my engineering counselling, the last counselling for all left overs would be on Feb 3, 1998.

2) My NIFT entrance written test for general ability & creative ability would be on Feb 6, 1998.

Now, at last, I can see the end of the tunnel.

Is there any light there?

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3rd Feb 1998

Sanketika vidya bhavan, Masab tank, Hyderabad

11pm

"It's over!" they announced in the loud speaker. The engineering counselling for the academic year 97-98 is over. They started closing the gates. Me & my dad came out& started walking. we were waiting there from 8 o clock in the morning, with a hope that they'll call my name& give me a seat. In any branch, in any college. All I wanted was not to go back empty handed. But it's all over. It's finished. it was very late in the night. Me & my dad started walking from masab tank to his officer's guest house in Basheer bagh . The roads are completely empty. There's utter silence between us. We reached the guest house & slept off. The next day my dad left for some work & I was all alone in the guest house. It was evening . I sat in the balcony& started thinking what to say to people when I reach my village. All these days I've been telling everybody that I got an engineering seat. But now I don't know what to say. two& half years of failures, insults & tears. I thought finally it came to an end with this engineering seat. But no. It's not over. More & more insults are waiting for me back home. & I've to face them all over again. How long will I survive this? How long would my courage last? how long would my God let me go through this? How long??

tears started rolling down my eyes as I sat there till it was dark. Didn't realize when my dad came back & saw me quietly weeping. He didn't say anything. But in his silence, somehow, for the very first time, I found a heart that shared my pain . The next day morning my dad left me with my cousin at HCU& left for my village. Two days later I have my NIFT entrance test.

6th feb 1998.

Urdu bhavan. Himayat nagar.

I reached the venue just in time. Some how managed to buy few color pencils on the way to the examination center in the last minute. When I reached there there was almost a traffic jam. there were so many cars parked on both sides of the road. I thought I must be the only guy who reached that place in a bus. wearing a baggy jeans with an iron crease& a formal shirt, I looked like a specimen there. The bell rang & the test started. I looked around. Everybody in trendy clothes & different colored pens properly set on their desks. Looking at them I can tell that they've been preparing for NIFT all their life. It was a general ability test. Where my GK, logic& basic English & maths were tested. In these two years of sitting at home, all I was doing was going through news papers& dictionary. so it was not difficult for me. The first part of the exam was over. There was a lunch break. After the lunch, It was the test of creative ability. every body came back after lunch. In a different dress now. When I looked around, the desks looked like stationary shops. With color pencils, crayons, water colors, sharpeners, erasers etc. I looked at my desk. All I have is a set of 10 small size camlin color pencils. The test started. Drawing! something which I enjoyed all my life! I used my 10 color pencils effectively & got the desired colored effects. The exam got over. I came out. I felt good about the way I performed. The next day I came back to my village. After few days I got a letter from NIFT that said I got through the first phase of my entrance test. But I still have a situation test & personal interview to go through to get a seat in this prestigious institute. & that's going to be on 18th april, 1998.

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I came out of my thoughts. They started calling students inside. It's going to be my turn anytime now. I started praying... "God...please be with me. I don't know what I'm going to speak inside. But if You are with me..I know it's possible!" Joshua!...they called. I went inside. They are around 8- 10 people sitting there inside. I wished them& sat. They started asking me questions. About my background, about colors, what I know about Fashion etc etc. I started answering them. Where am I getting the words from? how am I framing those sentences? God only knows. All I know is I'm talking non stop...in English! Only once the flow stopped. "You can talk in Telugu if you want" one of them said. "No Sir !" I said. "I''m fine with English". When I came out of that room after few minutes, I was really in a shock. How did I manage to answer so many of them in a language which I never spoke before? God only knows.

For the next couple of months I started telling my friends that' I'm going to join in NIFT. People used to ask me back " is it some kind of computer course?". I used to have tough time explaining them about fashion designing. Months passed. I didn't get any news from NIFT. I heard that the results are out. I asked my cousin in Hyderabad to go & check. He called me that night. He said "I've seen results in the notice board. But couldn't see your name. " The last blow on my bruised spirit. "This is it! " I thought. I've pushed myself& crawled to the end of the tunnel, only to find myself in a never ending pit.

But by this time I completely gave up. Gave up everything into the hands of my God. The only thing I clung to was prayer& quite time with my God. There was a rest in my life. I was enjoying the silence which comes after a storm. I fought, I lost & now...I gave up this fight into my God's hands. & now, I can relax. Nothing can trouble me anymore.

On one of the days in the first week of July, I got a letter from NIFT. I don't know what's written inside. I took it into my hands & opened it. My heart started beating faster as I was going through those lines congratulating me for being through with my entrance test& being eligible for a seat in NIFT.& After I finished going through that letter.There came a shout, a loud cry in the highest pitch of my voice ....yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

was I releasing the frustration that got stored in my heart for years ? was it a shout of celebration? shout of victory over the failures that pinned my spirit to the ground for years? Was that an answer to all those who mocked me, laughed at me & insulted me again & again? what was that? After 12 years, in one of the worship camps I found the answer. it's called "shabbak" which means worshipping the God with a loud cry. A war cry!

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Few months after I joined in NIFT, Hyderabad, one day one of the girls in my class asked me.."What were you doing that day when we were attending our interview for NIFT? all of us were so tensed & were biting our nails & YOU...were singing happily? I got so mad at you."

Wow! I thought I was singing with in myself. But the wind carried the song to all those who were in that room. & All those who heard my song know...It's not about JOSHUA...It's all about joshua's GOD!

HALLELUJAH!!!

12 What shall I render to the LORD

For all His benefits toward me?

13 I will take up the cup of salvation,

And call upon the name of the LORD.

14 I will pay my vows to the LORD

Now in the presence of all His people. Psalms 116: 12-14 .

యెహోవా నాకు చేసిన ఉపకారములన్నిటికి నేనాయనకేమి చెల్లింతును?రక్షణపాత్రను చేత పుచ్చుకుని యెహోవా నామమున ప్రార్ధన చేసెదను. యెహోవాకు నా మ్రొక్కుబళ్ళు చెల్లించెదను ఆయన ప్రజలందరి యెదుటనే చెల్లించెదను. కీర్తనలు 116: 12-14

let me sing of my beloved...

For You have delivered my soul from death,

My eyes from tears,

And my feet from falling.

Psalms 116:8

మరణము నుండి నా ప్రాణమును, కణ్ణీళ్ళు విడువకుండా నాకన్నులను, జారిపడకుండా నా పాదములను నీవు తప్పించి యున్నావు. కీర్తనలు 116:8

It was Easter yesterday. So our worship service started early. We walked in just on time & found Pravin, our worship leader encouraging people to worship. We joined the worship. I started recollecting all that my God has done in my life. That's what I do everytime I worship. I remember His goodness& my unworthyness. I remember what my life was before I started having this love affair with my God.

Failure! That's what I was. Good for nothing! that's what I was. Rejected! yes. That's me! Hopeless. That was my future.

July 12, 1998.

I got down from my bus at Hyderabad. kept my foot in this city of minars, forts & dreams. But my story doesn't begin in 1998. It actually begins in 1995. Thát's when I failed in my life for the very first time. I failed in my Intermediate in two subjects. First year maths & second year chemistry. I could finish chemistry in sep 1995. But to finish my maths it took me two long years. I appear for march 1996, i failed. I appeared for instant exam in april, I failed. I appeared in september,I failed. (In 1996 I also took EAMCET longterm coaching, but because I couldn't finish my Inter, I couldn't appear for EAMCET, causing somuch of financial loss to my Dad). In 1997 march, I failed.

I failed, I failed & I failed. My life suddenly bacame dark. My friends left me. Infact they started making fun of me in my very pressence. My parents were very disappointed with me& they were dishertened as nobody in their family ever failed. Not knowing how to make me realise the importance of studies they used to try the classic telugu family style of encouraging! I mean, scolding& threatening etc. I used to stay in my uncle's place in Vizag for my EAMCET coaching & he was terribly annoyed with me as I never used to go to my classes regularly. He used to try to "encourage" me by talking sircastically. somany times I used to lock myself in the bathroom & cry not knowing what to do.

Everybody left me. parents were unhappy, friends are making fun& relatives were rude.

What was I going through?

I used to long for one person who would come to me & ask me "tell me what you are going through. I want to listen ". I would've poured out all all my woes in his ears. I would've cried out "I'm trying my level best. But I'm failing. pl help me. " But there was none.

I used to long for one person who would walk up to me & say "you can do it Joshua". But there was none.

I still remember how I used to wander on the roads of NSTL in vizag not knowing what will my future be. Some times I used to lie down in the parks till late night, looking into the stars thinking how to end my life. I used to think I'll go to some isolated beach & drown myself. I used to lie down there imagining myself dead & weep bitterly. All my confidance was gone. I was left behind by everybody all alone. The future was looking bleak. there was no hope.

By the end of these two years, all my friends left me. I was completely broken within. I used to have a severe head ache whenever I used to think of my future. I used to wear all pastel color shirts as even a little darker color on my body used to make me restless & give me a head ache. I lost all loved ones. But there's one friend I started becoming closer with.

Jesus!

As I have nobody to talk to, I used to tell everything to my God. My complaints about how my friends were insulting me, My complaints about how I'm studying well but still failing, blah blah blah... Reading Bible everymorning & making notes, remembering the promises given by God in the bible & pressing on them in my prayers became my habbits. Every morning I used to wake up at 4 am longing to meet my friend. I used to rush to my small room & kneel down praying for hours. Slowly I started feeling rest in my life. The assurance of having my friend on my side gave me a new hope. But did things change?

1997 April. I'm standing at sir CRR college administration section. The clerk was looking for my hall ticket for my Instant exam which was scheduled two days later. he looked everywhere & said "are you sure you applied for instant exam? I can't find your hall ticket". My heart missed a beat. I became pale. & I tried to remember. He is right. I didn't apply. I stood there in a shock. How mindless I became. I didn't even remember about my exam. I was blank. Am I going to loose one more year? God...please help me. The clerk looked at me& said. Go get a passport photo. I ran to a nearest photo studio & got a photograph clicked & got it to him. I still have that photo. droooped shoulders, hopelessness in my eyes, . I ran & gave him that photgraph. He gave me the hall ticket. I wrote that test really well. I was sure I'll get more than a pass mark. But what happened? The exam got cancelled as the question paper was leaked some where in AP. After one month I wrote that exam again. & I also wrote EAMCET.

In the month of June I got my eamcet results first. I got 14,000 rank. My brother said I would surely get a seat in engineering. But I didn't pass my inter exam yet. The pressure was building. will I fail again? If I fail, this rank in EAMCET would be no good. I kept on praying. After a week on an early morning I got my Inter results. My brother & I were going through the results. My mom was praying inside. My eyes were racing along with the numbers. 5557 133 135 145 ........176 . THANK GOD ! I shouted. "You are passed" said my brother. My mom came out from prayer & kissed me on my forehead.

Finally...the clouds are moving. I started breathing. Is the sun going to shine in my life again?